Wish I Didn't Miss You
Written 2005

Gavin Darklighter sighed and reached for his shot of Thikkian brandy again. He wavered a moment, his vision sliding in and out. It had been months since Asyr Sei’lar had died. He hated himself for the self pit he murmured to his empty flat, hated that he couldn’t have saved Asyr.

The glass slipped off the edge of the table and shattered. Gavin heaved himself down to pick it up, but over shot his target and ended up lying on his stomach.

Same old story is back again
She was a lover, she was a friend

He kept finding himself sinking into a pit of despair, his thought clouded by the Bothan and a constant stream of alcohol. Grounded at the city line of Coruscant, the squadron had warned him off the tab cafes. Gavin didn’t care – Asyr had been his friend, more than that...they’d been thinking of adopting children. None of the squadron, he thought, could understand that. She was gone.

I'm sick and tired for you to come to me
Now I think it's funny
Now I wanna spend your money on ale

The cousin of the famous Biggs Darklighter, he found himself hunched over as he got up from the floor, slouching outside. He hated Asyr now, for leaving him alone in this pitiful universe. There had been some money left to him on a rough will buried in political shambles. Gavin had drunk some of it up, until Wedge had stepped in and made it impossible to withdraw. The Tatooine boy didn’t want to admit he had problems; he was just waiting for Asyr Sei’lar.

But you forgot when you were down
That I was around

Gavin growled deep in his throat, feet kicking at the ferrocrete forming the many pathways of Coruscant. Hadn’t he been there with her through the poundings that stupid Bothan politician had dished out? Hadn’t he supported her when things were tough? And now she left him slowly dying inside...

Call my lover, hang up, call again
What in the world is happening
Listening, but won't talk to me

Darklighter found his comlink pulsing hot in his hand. He knew if he dialled the number, he’d reach not Asyr, but some random Trandoshan. But still, Gavin punched in her code, waited a second then cancelled the call. It was as though she was watching him from afar, a sort of afterlife, but making no effort to reach out her hand and touch his.

Gavin scowled and shoved his comlink away, wondering when he was going to get over her. Probably never...his flat appeared before him and he dispiritedly let his hand listlessly enter the access code on his door. It slid back quietly, and he threw himself in. He didn’t care about anything anymore.

Isn't it ironic all I wanna do is smoke chronic
Girl, you forgot when you were down
Who was around

Gavin found his slight twisted tube in which he kept some drugs. It didn’t help anymore to have a quick puff. He just wanted the pain inside to go away, but it never did. Drawing in from the powder, he sat in silence and stared collectively at the wall. The X-Wing diagram had been one Asyr had helped him paint on.

He snarled and threw a glass from the coffee table at the roughly drawn cockpit. The glass exploded, throwing shards outward and liquor dripping from where it had impacted. Had Asyr forgotten he’d been there with her? That she had not been alone? He supposed not and thought darkly that maybe Borsk Fey’lya had gotten to her. Maybe she’d gone to him instead.

I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore
Waiting for you to walk through the door
I wish I didn't miss you anymore

Gavin switched on his low budget holoset and watched disinterestedly as commercials showed pictures of tantalising steaks, from rare to well done. He had no appetite anymore, spent his nights wandering Coruscant, unable to eat or sleep. At day, he’d find himself surrounded by his squadron friends. They didn’t understand, he thought, betrayed.

He looked over at the door and imagined Asyr walking through, giving him on of those small smiles she gave him every time she saw him. She would dump whatever she’d bought that day on the old fake nerf hide armchair sitting by the door, then scavenge the kitchen. Gavin almost felt tempted to eat something at this memory but desisted... why wouldn’t she just leave him alone!

People don't live like memories do
I'm sick forever chasing you

He caught sight of a holo of Asyr resting in a broken frame, one he’d also thrown at the X-Wing on the wall. Gavin gently held the holo up and searched her immobile face for something – anything – that would make her appear alive again. But even her eyes held not light, her frozen smile seeming to drip away.

Gavin remembered the first time he’d seen her, in Invisec before the liberation of Coruscant. That time seemed fresh on his mind, stinging still open wounds. Why couldn’t have his memories died with her? How long would he continue to chase her in the hope of finding her? He was sick of it.

Wish you'd bring back the girl I knew
was here with me, oh Lord

Gavin angrily wiped his burning eyes, demanding of the lifeless holo with his eyes why she didn’t come back. He wished so hard that Asyr would bring back the love they shared, the life that seemed so worth it. He cursed whatever gods there were in the galaxy, rising from the floor where he’d found himself without reason.

Every time I think you're coming
Girl, you disappoint me, honey

He heard the door slide open and turned hopefully towards it, expecting to see her there full of smiles and apology. Disappointment overtook his gut when he saw Corran Horn silhouetted there. Gavin turned away, his voice coming out hollow and low, “Go away, Corran.”

How well you forgot when you were down
That I was around

Corran hesitated a moment then said gently, “Look, kid, I’m sure Asyr wouldn’t want to see you this way. She’d have wanted you to live a happy life.”

But she’s not here, Gavin thought dejectedly. I was there for her and now she has abandoned me. There was nothing for it anymore. There was no use continuing to live when she wasn’t there like she had promised to.

I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore
Waiting for you to walk through the door
I wish I didn't miss you anymore

“Gavin...” Corran pressed. “You should really get something to eat. I’m going down to that new Alderaanian restaurant...”

The younger looked up at his visitor, eyes full of misery and pain. He said in a constricted squeak, “I’m not hungry. I thought I’d, you know, catch up on some sleep.”

Corran gave him an even emerald stare, arms hung loosely at his sides. He countered as he would in a dog fight, “But you’re not tired, right? Listen, Gavin, I know how hard it is. You’re waiting for her to just walk through the door. She’s not going to.”

I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore
Waiting for you to walk through the door
I wish I didn't miss you anymore

“Corran!” Gavin exploded. “I’m fine! Good gods, man!”

His friend’s lips twitched and his cheeks seemed drawn. Gavin, unused to such a macabre expression on Corran’s face, was startled. He stuck his hands in his pockets, refusing to look Corran in the eye. A doomed sun set flashed off an opposite sky scraper into the flat, illuminating a small patch of light between them.

“You’re not alright, are you?” Corran asked softly.

Darklighter finally looked up. “I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. But I will be alright, I swear. I guess you’ll help won’t you?”

His friend smiled thinly. “Even if I have to drag you to Borsk Fey’lya’s office and ask for a detailed talk on how Bothans saved the Rebellion. Asyr’s not going to walk through that door any more than that bumbling politician.”

One of these days, I’m gonna meet up with you
Wanting my death like I'm wanting you, babe yeah yeah
One of these days, when my dreams come true
That's the time that's gonna bring me to you
Oh oh oh, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah

Gavin reflected on the afterlife as he looked up into Corran’s green orbs. Maybe Asyr was waiting for him there and the only way to get there was through death. Corran was right – she wasn’t going to walk through that door. Gavin had to walk to her, but he wasn’t much for dying. Not yet anyway.

One of those days in the future, Gavin promised himself, that will be the time I go to you, Asyr. Wait for me.

“How about that Alderaanian restaurant? You paying?” Gavin managed a slight grin.

Corran threw Gavin’s jacket to the younger. “As long as you eat something.”

They left the empty flat to the sounds of traffic drifting in through an open window.

I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore
Waiting for you to walk through the door
I wish I didn't miss you anymore

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Far across the galaxy in a not too impressive place, under disguise, Asyr Sei’lar prodded the food on her plate unenthusiastically at a dim cantina. She wondered if Gavin had gotten over her “death” yet. Probably not, she conceded. She’d done the right thing, she felt, to get out from under Borsk Fey’lya before things got out of hand. She’d done the right thing.

Hadn’t she?

A breeze washed over her and she turned to the cantina doorway. A dark shape stood against a bright backdrop and her breath caught in her throat. The man stepped forward and Asyr sighed. A stranger. She was relieved and disappointed at the same time.

She wished she didn’t miss him anymore.