Who Writes These Plots Anyway?
HyperCaz was in a bad mood and most fictional characters had learnt to avoid her. Some, however, had never come across her wrath and it was by pure coincidence that she chose Stargate. Well, maybe not. She had a bone to pick with them.
Jonas Quinn had just watched Anubis whip out the cool little spikey thing when BANG he ended up somewhere else.
Daniel Jackson was crawling through the air vents when BANG he disappeared.
Jack O’Neill and Samantha Carter were flying through space after having just blown up Anubis’ new toy when Jack accidentally hit the hyperspace button for no reason. Need I add BANG?
Teal’c was feeling cross about the system lord on the ship being a wimp. He sat down. BANG
They suddenly all appear in a really dark room. All is foreboding.
O’Neill: Uh...Carter? What just happened?
Carter: I don’t know, sir.
O’Neill: What kind of answer is that?
Jonas: NOOOOOOOOOO! You stepped on my foot!
Teal’c: I am sorry, JonasQuinn.
Jonas: ...What the heck are you doing here?
Jackson: I could be asking all of you the same thing.
Random person from the dark: Why does Jonas get to be referred to by his first name?
O’Neill, Jonas, Jackson and Teal’c: *all look around stupidly*
Carter: *looks around, interested*
HyperCaz: Can’t keep them in suspense can I? *hits light switch*
The light reveals all five members of SG 1.
HyperCaz: OMG! Michael Shanks! *runs up to Daniel Jackson and throws her arms around him*
Jackson: Um...haven’t you mistaken me for someone else?
HyperCaz: *breathlessly* Oh yes, sorry, Daniel. *spots Jonas* Yay! *runs up to Jonas*
Jonas: *who cannot be terrified by evil Anubis, gets freaked out by author*
HyperCaz: *turns on Carter and O’Neill* Ok, my advice to you two? Get married, have lots of kids and be happy.
O’Neill: *pretends he didn’t hear it*
HyperCaz: See! This is exactly your problem! The script writer makes you guys so BLIND to the SEXUAL TENSION. Now, kiss and make up!
SCG 1: *all look at her*
HyperCaz: *looks right back at them * I’ll need some more ammunition and targets. GET ME THE SCRIPT WRITER!
Brad Wright and his favourite script writer were drinking coffee and congratulating themselves on getting the ratings back up after bringing Daniel back. Never mind that Jonas might get the flick, right after we all had gotten used to him. Suddenly, they both vanished with a – you guessed it – BANG.
HyperCaz: *waits and looks at watch*
Brad Wright and the script writer appear.
Wright: I thought I told you guys that shooting was off for the day.
Jonas: Who the heck are all of you?
Wright: ...the guy who hired you?
Script writer: *starts animated Stargate conversation with HyperCaz*
Teal’c: I do not believe we know each other. I am Teal’c, this is JonasQuinn, SamanthaCarter, JackO’Neill and DanielJackson.
Jackson: *after long silent hiatus* I don’t think he believes us.
Wright: Very funny, guys.
HyperCaz: It’s not funny you lousy people! Your dumb script writer here writes Daniel out of it and your ratings go BOOM all the way down. You bring him back a couple of times as a guest appearance then SUDDENLY you have him appear NAKED in the middle of ruins on a strange planet. Not that I didn’t mind that scene...
Jackson: How old are you?
HyperCaz: *picks up rant* PLUS, so your ratings don’t drop anymore, you make Sam and Jack blind to their feelings for EACH OTHER and deny it to even GENERAL HAMMOND.
Carter: She has a point, sir.
O’Neill: Call me Jack for once will you, Carter?
Carter: Only if you call me Sam.
Script writer: NO! What have you done? This will wreck the series! And you can’t even have their first names listed like Jonas!
HyperCaz: Fine then, sulk. But I’m not changing what I told them.
Sam and Jack: *too busy with each other to contribute any more to the conversation for a while*
Teal’c: *to Brad* I still do not believe we have met before.
Brad [Wright]: Good God, Christopher! Is this what I’m paying you to do?
Jonas: Fourteen’s not too young, hehe.
HyperCaz: *looks at him* Sorry, luv, Daniel is my first preference.
Daniel: *very disturbed*
Script writer: Ok, goo goo eyes, what’s wrong with bringing Daniel back to life if you like him so much?
HyperCaz: BECAUSE we only just got used to Jonas hanging around like a bad smell (no offence, luv) and now, as your ratings were dropping, you bring Daniel back and expect us to GET USED TO THAT!?
Daniel: Pardon me, but who is “us”?
HyperCaz: *rounds on him* Stargate fans across the planet, that’s who! It’s not fair that some of my fellow fans actually liked Jonas instead of you! But I, I! I remained faithful, but *glares at script writer* because of HIM I’m too used to Jonas for him to die. AND why did you blow up Abydos? Why did you kill that adorable kid from the movie?
Script writer: We had to make reference to the movie at some point.
Jonas: Ok, Anubis blew up Abydos and not this dude. Mainly because this dude right in front of us doesn’t appear to have the brains or creativity.
HyperCaz: *has renewed respect for Jonas* Ah, luv, hit it right on the spot there. Perhaps I really should ditch Daniel for you.
Daniel: Please do!
Sam and Jack: *come up for air*
Jack: Yo, person with the peachy advice?
HyperCaz: It’s HYPERCAZ!
Jack: Fine. HyperCaz, do you have a spare room around?
HyperCaz: *blinks* Wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG!
Sam: Well you did say to have kids.
Teal’c: I may have to resort to violent measures if you do not keep calling me Christopher when I am clearly Jaffa.
Brad: Whatever! You’re fired!
HyperCaz: And just HOW are you going to write that one in?
Script writer: You forget, I managed to get Daniel back. I can do anything.
HyperCaz: Not this you can’t! Sam and Jack, I don’t want you even THINKING of going into a spare room. Just – snog for a while, okay?
Sam and Jack: *do just that in a corner*
Teal’c: *looks over at them* It appears that they have expressed their true feelings for each other. Hm.
Brad: *also looks over* Hey, script writer...not such a bad plot twist is it? Some romance?
Daniel: Dammit – they have each other and it looks like Jonas has that HyperCaz. Who the heck is left for me?
Jonas: Well, you idiot, you should have taken her when you had the chance, right?
Script writer: All of this is giving me a headache.
Jonas: And, Dr Jackson, I believe the attraction is mutual between her and me.
HyperCaz: *grins* It is?
Brad: This is all so...emotional!
Script writer: You know, HyperCaz, you really should give Daniel someone.
HyperCaz: Yeah...I spose.
Suddenly Daniel’s wife appears out of nowhere (can’t spell her name).
Daniel: *goes off into a corner with her*
Teal’c: *goes off into another with HIS suddenly appeared wife*
Jonas: Only one more corner left...
HyperCaz: Nah, we’ll have the middle of the room, Jonas.
Jonas and HyperCaz: *kiss*
Script writer: Ahem, unfortunately HyperCaz if we take your suggestions down it might conflict with copyright laws.
Brad: Aw, come on.
HyperCaz: *breaks off kiss* Now wait just a minute! You wrecked my finale!
Script writer: Oh OK! This fanfic is now DEFINITELY AU though it started off like that anyway because I have to write all of this in.
Jonas: Good enough for us! Come on, HyperCaz, I’ll show you my home world.
HyperCaz: Hehe, that would be nice...hang on, do you have carnal knowledge laws?
Script writer: HyperCaz, I may have to age you in the script so we don’t come across that.
HyperCaz: Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou! *kisses Jonas*
Suddenly all is dark.
Cue in Stargate theme music and beginning credits.
There is a new character. No guesses who – and no guesses as to the plot from now on...