Van Helsing: The London Thing
HyperCaz: $AU 25…this had better be a good half an hour…
Girl: Oh, look at me, I’m a pretty damsel in distress wandering down a dark alley.
She catches sight of a shady looking character.
Girl: Oh it’s just Hagrid. Can I offer my…services?
Hyde: Hmmm…a young girl. I’m going to kill you.
Girl: But Hagrid doesn’t kill people!
She finds out that Hagrid DOES.
Hyde: Quit calling me Hagrid.
Hyde turns into sweet, good natured Jekyll who is plotting nasty schemes and getting driven around London by vampires who don’t seem to want to bite him.
Queen Vicky: Why, hello…my precious and I welcomes you, Hagrid.
Jekyll: Dammit, my name is Jekyll!
Vicky: Um, ok. My precious and I wants the medicine.
She turns into a chick who Jekyll loves, though she is now young enough to be his granddaughter. He gives us a history lesson on falling in love with her.
He takes her to his volcanic lair (Dr Evil leases it by the decade)
Jekyll: We will live here once we’re married.
HyperCaz: I begs renovating…
Vicky: I can’t remember anything except the fact that I’m a Queen and in love with a guy old enough to be my grandfather. Oh, and where has my precious gone?
Van Helsing: Evil, evil, EVIL black birds!
He shoots up some beast, sees a figure that actually resembles the shadow of David Wenham.
Van Helsing: Meh. He’ll die another day.
Proceeds to shoot fake-looking creatures (is that coz they’re dummies or is it the shite animation?), then shoots up a figure with blonde hair and friar robes…
HyperCaz: OMG YOU KILLED CARL!
Carl: Fooled you!
It was only dummy. Carl does not appear concerned that Van Helsing has just shot up his evil twin.
Cardinal Jinette: Blah blah blah, I’m a dirty tramp.
Translation: You have a new mission. He also gives us a history lesson on of the Order.
They go through slides of dead women. Carl looks away and throws up. Several times. Just like in that deleted scene of Austin Powers…
Van Helsing: Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah BATMAN!
Sits like a spunk on a roof then hears a scream.
Van Helsing: Quick, Robin, into the Batmobile! I mean, hi everyone.
Has a tangle with Hag – I mean, Hyde. Pommy policemen come along.
Hyde: Gotta run!
Van Helsing climbs up a wall to escape.
Van Helsing: Screw Batman, I’m Spiderman!
Chases big bag Hyde over roof tops, one quite a sizable distance. Van Helsing loses the dude by falling off a building, but throws goo that will stick to Hyde’s foot, just like in Spykids the prologue opening.
Van Helsing puts on green goggles. Teehee.
But Hyde has wiped his feet.
Van Helsing: Damn. I mean, blast. I lost Hagrid.
Jekyll: Smart, but not smart enough. My name isn’t Hagrid by the way.
Carl: Why the heck did the Cardinal send me?
Van Helsing: Because you’re a seasoned cross dresser?
Carl is wearing a dress and a bonnet. He looks cute, as in cartoon cute.
Carl: Um…how did you know that?
Van Helsing: Nevermind…just go out and act like an innocent little girl.
Carl skips away. He ends up kicking a guy in the nuts who tries to make moves on him.
Carl: Oh that’s nasty. Van Helsing?? Are you about?
Hyde comes up to him and screams BOO!
Carl: I’m not a lady!
Hyde: Well I’m not a gentlemen.
Carl: Oh, you cross dress too?
Van Helsing comes along and begins a great chase of Hyde into a train station and onto a train. Carl remains behind, flirting with himself. I mean, taking off the bonnet.
HyperCaz: Dear me, the train looks even more real than the characters. I’ll just close my eyes and picture Hugh Jackman.
Van Helsing goes all Wolverine and uses a claw thing on his hand to move along the train.
Van Helsing: Screw Spiderman, I’m definitely into yellow spandex.
He runs into a carriage and thinks he finds Hagrid. I mean, Hyde.
Jekyll: Don’t shoot! I’m not really evil!
Van Helsing: Hm, where is Hagrid then?
Jekyll morphs back into a bad ass guy and a so begins chase scene that would make the people involved with Speed cry. Hyde notices the claw.
Hyde: Stainless steel?
Van Helsing: No, adamantium.
The train crashes and we see Carl standing on a station.
Van Helsing: WTF are you doing here?
Carl: I could say the same for you.
Van Helsing: How the heck do I keep missing something that BIG?
Carl: Maybe we should enlist the help of Gryffindor.
Van Helsing: How about no!
Carl: But wait, I have a new invention which would have been useful in the movie! It’s called the blah blah blah I’m a dirty tramp.
Van Helsing gives us the translation.
Van Helsing: Oh! I know! The Holy water pistol! And let me guess, if we squirt it around it will react with something unholy!
Carl: Oh yes I see, you’re right. Oh dear, he’s becoming smarter than me.
They follow the unholy…stuff…to a big volcanic lair with convenient stepping stones. Van Helsing shows us what an athlete he is. Carl shows us what a reluctant hero he is. Suddenly, John Hannah jumps up and down on the shore of the lava.
John Hannah: E heb yut setna!
Mummies start appearing out of the lava.
Van Helsing: This just keeps getting better and better…
Carl: They’re angry copyrighters!
Van Helsing: Hey, I seem to remember these people from my dreams.
Random Mummy: Helloooo, Gabrieeeeelllll.
Van Helsing kicks arse, but mummies kick arse right back. Carl stuffs up with the Holy water pistol, but it lands in the lava, incinerating every mummy, just like his light thingy does to vampires in the movie.
Carl: I knew that would work! Yeah. I did. I swear.
John Hannah looks miffed. He wanders off into a time machine that Dr Evil keeps in the volcanic lair. Our handsome heroes enter a room straight out of the suite that Macbeth has down in da hot tub.
Queen Vicky: Ah! Strangers!
Van Helsing: I am Gabriel (HyperCaz is upset that she was wrong about him just being Gabriel in the past) Van Helsing.
Carl is comically cut off.
Vicky: Hm, Van Helsing, you look damn fine. You can calls us…mum! I mean, marm. We are the Queen of England, aren’t we precious? And we are being treated for an illness by Jekyll.
Van Helsing: Sure you are. So what’s this Hagrid guy treating you for?
Carl runs around on red cordial. Van Helsing takes out a comic book and shows Queen Vicky stuff that Ha…Hyde has been doing.
Queen Vicky: Lies! All lies!
Carl: You’re seventy years old! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Vicky: A lady never gives her age, but we’re not yet one and twenty, Lady Catherine.
Jekyll comes in and ruins the moment of…education bonding. He drags her away and makes sure Van Helsing and Carl will BURN up tragically. Van Helsing shows that he is a Goosebumps fan and uses the dumbwaiter. Carl, being Carl, acts comical on red cordial.
Van Helsing: We were in Buckingham Palace! They’re taking the gold hot air balloon! And look! The Queen’s maid is an evil vampire who can cuts rope with her teeth. COOL!
Carl decides he’s frightened of heights and plays cards with a passing escaped mass murderer who answers to the name “Snuffles”.
Jekyll: How dare that BMX Bandit follow me! YOU WILL DIE EDDIE!
Van Helsing: My name’s not Eddie…
Jekyll: EDDIE, LOGAN, LEOPOLD, JACK WILLIS, PETER it’s all the same!
Van Helsing flies through the air. Backwards, mind you. He uses the cool hook thingy and ends up on the balloon. Jekyll chucks a hissie fit and turns into Hagrid.
Hyde: For the last time it’s not HAGRID!
HyperCaz: Sure, Robbie Coltrane.
Queen Vicky: Oh Van Helsing, you’re our paperback hero!
Van Helsing shoves her behind him and fights Hyde. It looks cool, but decidedly not real. Everyone goes crashing down onto what HyperCaz is told is not London Bridge but for the sake of this story…
Van Helsing: London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down!
Hyde: Don’t you people ever DIE?
Hyde gets shot where we see a hole in the movie. He falls into the water, a la Hulk, and though it’s not shown clearly, lives (again, a la Hulk).
Van Helsing is seen carrying Queen Vicky over the threshold. It might be their honeymoon for all we know. Except Carl is there, so maybe not.
Queen Vicky: Oh thankyou!
Carl: When daylight comes, you’ll go all Swan Princess and turn back into an old fat lady. And no rewards please – money, pah! We’d spend it in Las Vegas with Darien Fawkes and Bobby Hobbes!
Vicky: Oh, whatever. Van Helsing, you can collect your reward. Just a kiss on the cheek…
She snogs him instead. Sunlight creeps up and…ew…she’s old again. Carl blinks.
Carl: Ewwwww…Van-the-Man is kissing a seventy year old!
Queen Vicky: WE ARE SO NOT AMUSED! Who the hell are you ppl?
Van Helsing cuts his loses and runs. Besides, he ends up with a better gal anyway. And who’d want to be caught snogging an old lady?
Overlooking a train where we see Jekyll painting his toe nails and starts calling himself Peter Allen.
Van Helsing: Lassie, go home.
Carl: Woof! I mean, sure thing Van-the-Man!
Van Helsing: It’s not over till the fat lady sings…
HyperCaz: And that, my precious, was the end of the animated prequel. I wasted $AU 25 on this, but loved it anyway! Damn, even the making-of-the-movie is just as long.