fordprefectgoesbabelfishing.doc (2003)
I have no idea why I thought this particular idea could be sustained in an entire one-shot. Never went past the first couple of paragraphs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Countdown to Earth’s destruction: 5 years, 6 months, 5 days
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ford Prefect had decided to go Babel Fishing. It wasn’t that he wanted to extend his entry for this small planet in this undesirable part of the universe (or could), he was simply stuck for something to do while he waited for the signal that a spaceship was about. He had long thought that he had problems. Now, after ten years stranded on the backwater planet, he had come to the conclusion that Earth had more problems. Who ever heard of a a planet without Babel Fish anyway?
So, armed to the teeth with various fishing appliances which were seriously out of date, he made his way to a local canal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Countdown to Earth’s destruction: 5 years, 6 months, 5 days
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ford Prefect had decided to go Babel Fishing. It wasn’t that he wanted to extend his entry for this small planet in this undesirable part of the universe (or could), he was simply stuck for something to do while he waited for the signal that a spaceship was about. He had long thought that he had problems. Now, after ten years stranded on the backwater planet, he had come to the conclusion that Earth had more problems. Who ever heard of a a planet without Babel Fish anyway?
So, armed to the teeth with various fishing appliances which were seriously out of date, he made his way to a local canal
hhgttg.doc (2004)
This one actually shows promise. I think it was intended to be a typical holiday fluff piece for Arthur/Fenchuch set before book #5.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has few entries on the end of year celebrations, which is odd considering just how many different lengths of years there are in the universe. Religious celebrations are not included due to the improbability that non-religious sentients will be offended. As an Improbability Drive exists, this is a high probability.
One of the key figures of our story, Arthur Dent, never went anywhere without his towel these days. It was a very useful asset. But if he had anything to say about it, the most important asset one could have was an accompanying female. No, it wasn’t because of the higher intelligence that came with said female.
It was proven that a woman could do just as much as a towel. Women can keep you warm on the cold moons of Jaglan Beta, you can lie with them on the beaches of Santraginus V and Kakrafoon, they can think of clever ways to sail down River Mothwet, have their own mysterious art of self defence, can convince the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal that they are too delicious to eat and can stick out a thumb, thereby attracting the attention of any male in the vicinity. A woman can even use her hair to dry your feet, as seen in a book about a man who was nailed to a tree.
The thing that sets her aside from the loyal towel is the fact that at the end of the day, a woman’s use has the words “and then some” tacked onto the end of it. Unlike the mistakenly popular towel, this means that if it needs getting done, buy her some heavy metals that look precious and it will get done.
Women, however, can be drastically sentimental when it comes to anniversaries, even religious ones.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arthur Dent was happy. If he had any notion of what day it would be on Earth, he would have known that his happiness induced stupor couldn’t last for long. It was, after all, Thursday according to the Greenwich Meridian. He should at least have had some type of warning.
The warning would have usually been in the form of a manic depressive robot if said robot had not fallen into massive disrepair due to too much time travel.
Fenchurch entered Arthur’s vicinity and offered him a cool drink. Unfortunately, it was not a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster that would send him off into a blissful dream. It was a simple drink that had two hydrogen atoms to each oxygen atom. Arthur declined, but not for the reason stated here.
“Ford wants to head off to Betelgeuse Five,” he told her. “He doesn’t think we should go with him. Something to do with an Ix."
Fenchurch raised her eyebrows. “What’s an Ix?”
“I don’t really know,” Arthur admitted.
“Did you look in the Guide?”
Arthur thrust that wholly remarkable book at her. “It defines Ix as ‘boy who is not able satisfactorily to explain what a Hrung is, nor why it should choose to collapse on Betelgeuse Seven’.”
“That’s odd,” Fenchurch said, looking only a little interested.
Noticing this, Arthur sat up from the rather nice recliner he had been resting in for the past two hours. He asked, “You’re not still moping over that paranoid android are you? You only knew for a short time.”
Fenchurch frowned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has few entries on the end of year celebrations, which is odd considering just how many different lengths of years there are in the universe. Religious celebrations are not included due to the improbability that non-religious sentients will be offended. As an Improbability Drive exists, this is a high probability.
One of the key figures of our story, Arthur Dent, never went anywhere without his towel these days. It was a very useful asset. But if he had anything to say about it, the most important asset one could have was an accompanying female. No, it wasn’t because of the higher intelligence that came with said female.
It was proven that a woman could do just as much as a towel. Women can keep you warm on the cold moons of Jaglan Beta, you can lie with them on the beaches of Santraginus V and Kakrafoon, they can think of clever ways to sail down River Mothwet, have their own mysterious art of self defence, can convince the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal that they are too delicious to eat and can stick out a thumb, thereby attracting the attention of any male in the vicinity. A woman can even use her hair to dry your feet, as seen in a book about a man who was nailed to a tree.
The thing that sets her aside from the loyal towel is the fact that at the end of the day, a woman’s use has the words “and then some” tacked onto the end of it. Unlike the mistakenly popular towel, this means that if it needs getting done, buy her some heavy metals that look precious and it will get done.
Women, however, can be drastically sentimental when it comes to anniversaries, even religious ones.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arthur Dent was happy. If he had any notion of what day it would be on Earth, he would have known that his happiness induced stupor couldn’t last for long. It was, after all, Thursday according to the Greenwich Meridian. He should at least have had some type of warning.
The warning would have usually been in the form of a manic depressive robot if said robot had not fallen into massive disrepair due to too much time travel.
Fenchurch entered Arthur’s vicinity and offered him a cool drink. Unfortunately, it was not a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster that would send him off into a blissful dream. It was a simple drink that had two hydrogen atoms to each oxygen atom. Arthur declined, but not for the reason stated here.
“Ford wants to head off to Betelgeuse Five,” he told her. “He doesn’t think we should go with him. Something to do with an Ix."
Fenchurch raised her eyebrows. “What’s an Ix?”
“I don’t really know,” Arthur admitted.
“Did you look in the Guide?”
Arthur thrust that wholly remarkable book at her. “It defines Ix as ‘boy who is not able satisfactorily to explain what a Hrung is, nor why it should choose to collapse on Betelgeuse Seven’.”
“That’s odd,” Fenchurch said, looking only a little interested.
Noticing this, Arthur sat up from the rather nice recliner he had been resting in for the past two hours. He asked, “You’re not still moping over that paranoid android are you? You only knew for a short time.”
Fenchurch frowned.