The Tower Towers Bloopers
Eowyn is holding the King of Rohan’s hand.
Eowyn: My lord...your son is dead.
King of Rohan: Dead? Hello! I look dead myself! I mean, grunt.
Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas stop to talk to Eomir and the other riders.
Eomir: I would cut your head off if it stood a little higher from the ground, Gimli, son of Groin – I mean, Gloin.
Legolas: You gotta admit, in a bizarre way you do come from the –
Treebeard is marching through the forest with Merry and Pippin.
Pippin: Phew! Treebeard, was that you?
Merry: Since when was that in the script?
Pippin: Gandalf! You gotta warn people before you do that!
Gandalf: I’m not on yet.
Samwise Gamgee is playing with the Ring while Frodo has gone to the bathroom.
Ring: I hate being called that! Hello! I’m just a prop – can’t you think of anything else?
Sam: Just practising.
Sméagol: You stole my Precious!
Ring: Damn you all!
Gandalf stands before the King of Rohan and throws off his grey cloak to reveal a black one.
Gandalf: Behold Gandalf the Black!
Gandalf: What are you doing here?
Sam: Same thing as you. Screwing up the script.
Eowyn is eyeing up Aragorn.
Eowyn: Legolas, does Aragorn have a girlfriend?
Legolas: Yep, an Elf called Arwen.
Cuts to a scene where Arwen and Eowyn are locked in fierce cat fight. In the end, Arwen wins and Eowyn ends up going off with Legolas.
Saruman is looking into the black ball thingy.
Saruman: Tell me Sauron, what must I do?
Sauron: For a start, you can actually get the Ring for once.
Legolas goes to do the 360 onto Gimli’s horse. Instead, he sails right over and lands very hard on the ground, bringing Gimli with him.
Gimli: Don’t tell this to the Man.
Aragorn rides over.
Aragorn: Tell me what?
Aragorn goes over the cliff with the beast. Gimli and Legolas rush over and see him bungee jumping with the Orc that was trying to kill him.
Legolas: You trickster! You had me all sad and depressed for nothing!
Ord head dude is standing on the rock in Scorpion King style. He raises an ancient sword and shouts in Ancient Egyptian.
Orc leader: Hatoo machenti!
Random Orc: I suppose that means he’s finally cracked.
The Ents are attacking Saruman. They decide to play soccer with an Orc as the ball.
Merry: You didn’t come hear to play soccer! Get back to the purpose!
Treebeard: Hm. Right you are, Master Merry. Everyone – Ten Orc Bowling, I’m first!
Ents begin tossing rocks at lined up Orcs.
Merry: I give up.
Goes to sleep and misses out on the battle which happens later.
Legolas is surfing down the stairs on a shield, as he does. He has a boom box mounted on his shoulder and it’s playing ‘Surfin’ USA’.
Legolas: Eat your heart out, Tony Hawk!
Aragorn jumps onto the Orc ladder and descends with his sword. Falls off ungracefully and lands face down in the mud.
Aragorn: Can we retake that?
Frodo and Samwise are the captives of Faramir at the city. Frodo looks up at the sky and his voice sounds very high.
Frodo: They’re here...
Sam: Can’t you think of something original? You’ve been watching too many horror movies.
Unknown to Sam, Frodo has been using the Ring to watch movies he shouldn’t. And they’re not just horror movies either.
Gimli and Aragorn are preparing to jump onto the ramp thingy.
Gimli: You’ll have to toss me. Don’t tell the Elf.
Aragorn tosses him but Gimli misses and lands hard below.
Aragorn now jumps but misses also and lands on top of Gimli.
Aragorn: Alright, who moved the ramp?
Legolas throws down rope to Gimli and Aragorn who take hold. Legolas pulls them up, but his strength fails. He lets go.
Aragorn: #$@&! I suppose it was you who moved the ramp! So who’s the trickster now?
Legolas is nowhere to be seen all of a sudden.
Aragorn tries to recall what Gandalf said to him earlier.
Gandalf: On the light of the fifth day look West at dawn.
Aragorn looks West.
Legolas: Um, Aragorn? What are you doing?
Aragorn: Gandalf said to look West on the fifth day.
Legolas: Are you sure he didn’t say East?
Aragorn looks around to see slaughtered Orcs with Gandalf and the riders trotting towards him.
Aragorn: You won’t tell anyone about this, will you?
Legolas: I wouldn’t dare.
Legolas suddenly has a very evil look in his eyes.
Frodo and Sam are having a very different conversation from the one in the script.
Sam: Why do most names in this movie sound very familiar to their kin?
Frodo: I dunno. Why you ask?
Sam: Well, for example there’s Boromir and Faramir. Then there’s Eomir and Eowyn. And your name and your real Dad’s name. Drogo, Frodo. Tolkien must have been really stuck for ideas.
Frodo: Who cares? Let’s have the credits so I don’t have to put up with Gollum!
Sméagol: I heard that!
Sam and Frodo are climbing up the rocky mountainside just as letters reading ‘The Two Towers’ appears. Sam isn’t looking and crashes head first into the letters.
Sam tries to push him off the cliff.
Frodo: You can’t do that! You’re supposed to be my friend.
Sam: On screen, that is. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Sam gets the shifty eyes and has to be led away into a quiet corner for a few minutes.
Sam pulls out their only provisions to show to Frodo.
Sam: Look, lembas bread. And LOOK, more lembas bread. But wait – there’s MORE lembas bread.
Frodo: Sam, just give me the bread.
Sam doesn’t hear Frodo as he is raving on.
Sam: AND MORE LEMBAS BREAD. Don’t those elves eat anything else? Oh, look what I found – lembas bread!
Frodo: I think by now everyone knows that’s all we’ve got to eat, Sam.
Sam: And more...
Frodo: SHUT UP!
Sam: Oooh, look at this. Salami.
Prop Guy: Oops. Cut!
Aragorn has his ear pressed on the rock, listening for the Orcs’ footsteps.
Gimli: What’s the goss, Aragorn?
Legolas: He’s fallen asleep. Again. What is this? The tenth take?
Aragorn: The thirteenth.
Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas have just come face to face with Gandalf again. Gimli and Legolas bow before the wizard.
Gandalf: Are you going to bow or not, Aragorn?
Aragorn: I don’t want to. Just because the OTHERS are doesn’t mean I have to.
Aragorn turns around and marches out of the forest.
Merry and Pippin are listening to the Ents talk in Ancient Entish.
Pippin: Guys, can’t you talk in MODERN Entish?
Gimli is telling Eowyn the differences between Dwarf men and women.
Aragorn: Hey, Gimli, are you a man or a woman?
Gimli: That seems a bit personal, don’t you think?
Gimli is trying to inform Eowyn that Aragorn is “dead”.
Suddenly, Aragorn pushes open the gates and strides in.
Aragorn: I am alive!
Gimli: You’ve read ahead in the script!
Aragorn flourishes his script in which most of the pages are stuck together.
Aragorn has washed onto the banks of the river. He’s hallucinating of Arwen when suddenly Legolas kisses him instead.
Legolas runs away laughing.
Aragorn: I am very worried now.
At Helm’s Deep the Orc dude is running towards the bomb things in the wall.
Orc: Gasp. Pant. Must...finish...the race...
Aragorn: Shoot him Legolas! We don’t want HIM to be the first to finish the Olympic torch relay!
Gollum is huddled in the corner of some rocks.
Gollum: Nasty, nasty Hobbitses.
Smeagal: Nice Hobbits.
Sam: I’m getting confused.
Frodo: Nice Hobbit.
Odorf: Nasty Hobbit.
Sam: Uh oh. That can’t be good.
Merry: I wonder what Saruman is doing...
Pippin: Wanna find out?
Pippin: Treebeard! Get us a palantir, will you?
The Hobbits are scarred for life and swear never to look in a palantir EVER again. They found out that Saruman likes to dress in drag when no one’s looking and how long he spends brushing his hair...