Chapter 2 - The Shippy Shippy Shake
It is generally known that quiet places are a rare commodity on Atlantis, due to the communication systems. The hilarity of Rodney’s crooning of “Sex Bomb” echoing throughout the city because of a faulty off switch had surfaced in Colonel Sheppard’s jokes for months.
Somewhat remarkably, a quiet place was found in which our next scene will take place. Minus the fluff floating everywhere in the room (perhaps a pillow had spontaneously combusted?), it appeared completely normal. Further inspection would have revealed a more adventurous Atlantean’s pair of hand cuffs under the squishy lounge chair.
“Alright, spill,” Laura demanded.
Carson absently poked one of his fangs. Except that it didn’t bend like plastic and shone like a scientist’s arse in the moonlight (a simile coined by John Sheppard about someone else’s pearly whites – who, I cannot say). He announced happily, “I’m a vampire.”
She snorted. But there was a scary, scary gleam that came into Carson’s eyes, not unlike the look a stalking Ancient got (poor, poor Zelenka). Laura felt her skin prickle and gulped. Luckily, any sort of awkward line of questioning was interrupted by something that sounded much scarier.
“Aroooo!” the howl tore through the walls, making the hand cuffs under the chair to chink quietly.
“Not to worry, love, I’m sure that’s just Teyla.”
Carson explained patiently, “‘Athosia’ in their language means ‘werewolves’. If Colonel Sheppard had bothered to ask, we could have avoided this fine mess.”
At that precise moment, a Czech scientist ran past in the corridor letting off a string of expletives in his language. Laura wasn’t sure she wanted to poke her head out and ask. She also didn’t want to risk her ex-boyfriend suddenly swooping on her and biting her neck. Not that she ever expected sweet natured Carson Beckett to have a severe case of bloodlust.
Speaking of which…
The doctor’s stomach growled. He grinned sheepishly, “I’m a bit hungry, lass, sorry.”
“No no no! You are not sucking my blood! You did not make me come all the way back to this galaxy to feast off me!” Laura snapped, sense coming back to her as Zelenka’s swearing disappeared into the distance.
Carson flicked a hand and the door made a clicking sound that suspiciously resembled being locked. He told her sweetly, “No, I did not ask you to return so that I could kill you. Laura my dear…I knew I loved you the moment I found out your blood type was AB negative. Would you do me the honour of becoming my immortal mate?”
Ok, not exactly what she was expecting but not new to her thoughts either. There were several ways to deal with this. Logically, immortal life would be a very boring thing after a long time (especially when McKay died – who would she taunt then?) but if said immortal life involved kinky vampire sex…there was just one thing left to make sure of.
Laura asked carefully, “Do I get to name one of the baby turtles?”
“Of course, love.”
“Then…” Well that was cool. She grinned. “Yeah!”
Back at the party, the constantly spotted but never spoken to Australian members of the team got their hands on the sound system. It still mystified some to see their flag patch around and the strange Australians had taken to beating up anyone who made cracks about sheep. Not because the sheep was an insult, it was because the sheep jokes confused their flag patch with the New Zealand one.
“The Shippy Shippy Shake!” One Australian (henceforth known as Caz) beamed proudly.
John Sheppard certainly was going to stand for this. He snapped, “It’s the hippy hippy shake. And can’t you put the Nutbush on or something?”
“No one asked you, McFly!” Caz shot from atop a swaying speaker. “We will see to it that you have converted to The Shippy Shippy Shake by the time all the weird stuff ends!”
John let out a pained screamed and dived under the buffet table for cover. He frantically looked for his radio to call Ronon (who had refused to turn up due to the vulgarity of his borrowed costume) but someone must have stolen it! He covered his ears and rocked backwards and forwards.
Why had everyone sculled the special spooky punch? It was turning them all into rabid shippers!
Radek Zelenka was running for his life and his loins. He’d never been so freaked out in his life and knew at once that he should have listened to the hologram of Atlantis. Never, ever get yourself involved in Ancient kink – intentionally or not!
Aha! There was hope! He spied Ronon Dex up ahead in the corridor and immediately scurried to the safety of the dreadlocks. Radek tried to ignore Ronon’s costume (consisting of a Hawaiian t-shirt) because it made him feel uneasy. Almost as uneasy as being chased by a lusty Ancient. Radek burst out breathlessly, “You must help me! A crazy dead woman wants to make babies with me!”
“Commitment, mmm, that’s deadly,” Ronon agreed.
Just then Oma Desala caught up to her quarry. “Coming to get you, BUNNY BOY!”
Radek screamed and tried to hide behind Ronon. The former runner eyed the advancing Ancient, weighing up his options. Protecting the scientist who’d once tried to snip off a dreadlock for some concoction OR protecting himself from Oma who had started brandishing fireballs.
“He’s all yours,” Ronon announced, stepping aside.
Oma favoured him with a smile and cooed, “Aren’t you a sweetie? Would you like me to give you something in return?”
Ronon thought very hard and long about this. What could possibly be worth the life of a scientist from some odd country on Earth? He grinned wickedly. Oh yes. That would be wonderful. He replied firmly, “I want a pumpkin that won’t blow up. Right now.”
“Ne Ronon!” Radek pleaded. “She will kill me.”
The Ancient giggled. “Kill you, Bunny Boy? Why would I want to do that? I want to MULTIPLY with you!”
The pumpkin appeared in a puff of orange smoke. Ronon Dex cheerfully gathered the special vegetable in his arms and, stroking it tenderly, disappeared down the corridor. This left Zelenka in a very vulnerable position. He cowered before the advancing fiend, managing in a weak voice, “Ah…I do not share your feelings. I’m…celibate.”
“Kneel!” commanded Oma.
“In your dreams, you crazy Ancient.”
Radek had really been trying not to aggravate her but it was all too much. Although, once he’d said those words he instantly regretted it. She glowered and her cute waitress uniform tore itself to shreds, revealing a threatening ensemble of tight black leather. She also seemed to be carrying the Book of Origin.
“My bunny…” Oma whispered dangerously, “…will feel the retribution of the Ori. And then, when you are beaten, I will produce your offspring.”
Zelenka gulped. This was bad. This was very, very bad. She raised one hand, reigniting a fireball. She laughed manically and threw it straight at him. The Czech tried to run but –
“Resistance is useless!” the crazy Ancient shrieked.
Radek caught the fireball in his stomach. It didn’t burn but it did make him wheeze. He had the misfortune of feeling very queasy – right before he sprouted real fluffy ears and a white puff of a tail. He screamed and hopped down the corridor. Oma watched him go.
She sighed happily, “He’ll be back.”