The Many Ways That John and Teyla Hooked Up
Written 2008

Part I: The Balcony of Doom

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There was a balcony. A lovely balcony. The balcony of DOOM!!

“That was quick,” John noted. “What happened to the scary tension building music?”

The balcony of DOOM requires no scary tension building music. Draped in mystery and shadow and doom and DEATH –

John whipped out his hockey mask and charged the author!!!

Caz neatly sidestepped and continued adding more description. Meanwhile, the next balcony over there was gratuitous McWeir snogging. John saw and ran off the balcony!!

“Hey!” John exclaimed indignantly.

To maintain audience interest, Carson Beckett walked past and flashed. This was an outright abuse of fangirl bribery and was lodged to the Save the Best Studs for their Prime Tribunal. And Beckett wasn't too keen on the whole thing either. He maintained that he didn't need to maintain audience interest and this was at the sole discretion of the author who –

TANGENT!

But why? Why must John Sheppard run off balconies? Is it not the best McWeir device in existence?

“Except, my dear,” Beckett reminded Caz. “This is not McWeir.”

“Is isn’t?”

“No.”

“Oh. What is it then?”

John waved his hands. He shouted, “Helloooo! You can't kill off one half of a ship before the ship is even established!”

The great Ship Sheyla pulled up to port!! Thus squashing Cameron Mitchell who was just starting to record his first episode of Fargate. Or Starscape. Or whatever they call it these days.

Teyla hopped off the ship and floated over to the balcony of DOOM!!!

“This balcony really needs a new name,” John said.

Caz tried to find a describing word to add after said balcony. She settled on adding nothing because Teyla continued forward and said without a describing word, “I agree, Colonel. It shall enforce be known as the balcony of MOOD!!!!”

Beckett dragged off Caz because she was starting to reverse words again ytsan tibah!!

John stared at the ground awkwardly.

Teyla stared at the ground awkwardly.

John coughed. “Hey, um, didn't I tell you to call me John off the clock?”

Teyla revealed she was standing on a clock.

“Ah,” said John.

“Ha,” retaliated Caz and was dragged off again.

The ship was ready to sail.

So 4 seasons shot by in which Chuck followed Grodin into hitchhiking a lift with these random guys called Freddy and Jason. Teyla and John performed a few more under the alien influence kisses, jumped off balconies due to angst and realised that Teyla looked very good in a white dress.

The ship sailed.

Beckett turned the camera and said, “Balconies used to be such safe places.”

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Part II: Attack of the Blowie!!

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The phone rang. Ominously.

It rang again.

“Are you going to answer that?” demanded Rodney, losing concentration on the card game and forgetting that there were not 5 ace cards.

This proved fatal as he lost his pet funnel web spider.

John looked at the evil device. He shrugged. “In a bit.”

“You're afraid!” taunted Rodney.

Colonel Sheppard shook his head adamantly. He was afraid of nothing!

The phone rang again

He jumped in fear.

“HEY!” John said indignantly. “That was an involuntary spasm of my legs!”

Caz stared at him, nonplussed. She explained that she had a medical professional on call who could verify that it was not an involuntary spasm - if she bothered to call him. Of course for some reason this medical professional was already in the card game and was trying to win back his Scotland calendar.

John dove for the phone and looked at it carefully. He asked everyone, “How do you answer a mobile phone?”

A resounding “huh” echoed back at him. Wtf, thought everyone capable of thought, what's going on? What are sunnies? John answered the phone which is henceforth known as cell phone but Caz will mostly certainly keep calling it mobile phone -

“SIR!” exclaimed a voice. “THERE'S A BLOWIE HEADING FOR ATLANTIS!!”

“A what?” shrieked everyone.

Beckett used the distraction to snatch his calendar off Ford who was for some reason inserted for the following reason:

"DUDE. Sounds dangerous."

"DUDE," said everyone.

Teyla Emmagan suddenly appeared and informed everyone that the blowie was headed for the game. Rodney wheezed, "It's - a - woman - " and fainted dead away.

John was seized by the insane urge to act protective and make sure Teyla was safely distributing beer. She asked, "Are you sure this is the wisest action to take?"

"The blowie will never know what's hit it!" John said enthusiastically.

Caz silently took his blood alcohol count. She snatched the keyboard off Beckett and made sure there was no mention of Puddlejumpers crashing. You don't kill one half of a ship after all.

"Finally she sees the light!" John and Teyla said in delight.

"Get back to the story!" Caz hollered back.

An ominous buzzing noise happened. John took a swig of a pint. And another pint. He stood at the head of his small battalion and gave this rousing speech -

"Gentlemen, we are about to die at the hands of a blowie. Drink beer and find something to shag."

Teyla asked if she was included in this battle plan. John scratched his head.

"I keep forgetting you're not a woman," he admitted.

Teyla raised one eyebrow.

"Um," he amended. "You're like a man under my command..."

Teyla corrected, "With additional extremities, John."

"Hey, um, as it's the end of the world and we've snogged a few times - "

"We have not snogged," Teyla informed him.

John stared. “But we did kiss, right?”

“But no snogging,” she clarified.

John then glared at the author.

"And why the hell not?" he demanded.

Caz shrugged. Beckett shrugged. Caz slunk off. Beckett slunk off. Mwha. Ha. Haha.

"You can't have a story without an author!" shrieked Rodney and fainted again.

"Dude," Ford said.

John and Teyla decided that snogging was the best course of action. Unfortunately, this meant that all that groovy sexual tension was extinguished resulting in - FLUFF.

"This is not fluff!" John said indignantly.

Teyla nodded. "Indeed it is not. Fluff involves fluffiness."

"And where did you learn that description?" Rodney demanded from the floor.

The Athosian merely answered, "The Oxford Ship Dictionary."

Therefore, John and Teyla embarked on a – [both wave the sentence on] - steamy moment.

"Better," John said.

The blowie entered the room!

No one cared.

Rodney did faint again but that's because Ford sat on his face.

The blowie buzzed about.

An Australian something or rather (no one is sure, they just had the Australian patch on their arm but perhaps they were not the real McCoy) grabbed a fly swatter and beat the blowie to death. Blow fly that is.

Beckett turned to the camera and said, "Next thing ye know, there'll be kangaroos servicing the public transport system. They would be faster than the rail."

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Part III – Popcorn!!!!

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Crazy frog jumped onto the screen and swung around his anatomy!!!

John screamed and dived for cover behind Teyla, who was busily rooting through her purse for capsicum spray. She hadn't actually noticed the weird grey disturbing thing yet -

"HEY!" said Hermiod indignantly.

Caz poked her tongue out. "I wasn't referring to you, but that's a good idea."

The weird grey disturbing thing that looked like Hermiod...

Then Teyla looked up.

She looked down.

She looked up again.

"You call that extremities?" she asked.

Crazy frog blinked and burst into tears. John demanded, "What did you do that for? We're trying to make allies in this hostile Wraith and Kirk infested galaxy!"

"And Canadian infested..." Caz added quietly.

Kirk walked past and decided he couldn't take offence because with the total amount 100 000 clones, he'd never be lonely again. A Wraith walked past and tried to murder the weird frog thing and instead ended up pulling it away for reproductive services. Um. There were just Canadians because they're always in the universe...

"Trying to take over the world!" finished Rodney.

Teyla and John exchanged the glance - the glance of ESP!!! They performed a double rush fight chop ninja thingy that appeared as a blur on Clark Kent's radar ("HEY!" CK said indignantly - "no apologies, stalkerman" Caz shot back) and KOed Rodney to...some unpleasant place involving lemons.

"That's a pretty cool ESP thing we've got going." John beamed at Teyla.

Teyla picked up a stick and menacingly poked him in the chest. "I would advise you to stop thinking those thoughts!"

"What thoughts?"

"Those thoughts, Colonel."

"What, the thoughts saying ‘call me John’ or the thoughts...oh."

Caz did not provide a description of the scene.

"Mmmpf."

"Screw the regs!"

"Eh, screw something else," Caz hollered into the room of non-description. "You still got Teyla in there?"

"John...."

"Teyla..."

"I'll take that as a yes," Caz cackled gleefully then added. "Excelllllent."

Beckett turned to the camera and said, "I only came for the popcorn."

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Part IV – Hot and Tasty

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"Bow before your goddess!"

Naturally, all the Pegasus Galaxy men, be they illegal arrivals from the Milky Way Galaxy or already permanent fictures (a Freudian slipslopslide?), would find this a very strange thing for Teyla to say. But they were too slow or too handsome or both to realise the simple fact.

"What fact?" John demanded of the authoress.

"Teyla. Is. WEEEEEEEEEEEEBIL!"

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines "weebil" in this way - a pathetic and puerile attempt at humour by an omnipresent narrator voice known as HyperCaz, Caz Beckett or simply "that crazy Australian". Weebil in no way reflects any sort of creature and instead is meant to signify the dark nature of people, characters or ... salt and vinegar potato chips.

"I think I should point out," Dr Beckett announced in Teyla's last physical, "that Teyla has turned into a salt and vinegar potato chip."

"WHAT?!" shrieked John from the other side of the infirmary.

What he was doing there, we cannot know or we cannot say. It is even more classified than the Stargate program and I believe it relates to learning that elusive dance known as The Shippy Shippy Shake. John Sheppard at this point angrily denied any knowledge of such parody.

Teyla did look suddenly very thin and crispy. John found this hot.

And tasty.

Hm. Hot and tasty, he thought.

Caz slapped him for sullying her innocent attempts with such thoughts.

"Food is hot and tasty!" drooled John Sheppard.

He proceeded to lick Teyla and even nibbled a bit, but she slapped him. Dr Beckett rolled his eyes at the narrator, the crazy Australian and said sternly, Ye can't have an inanimate object and a human shagging. It's just no' right."

"Save the Beckett/Chair ship!!!"

Everyone looked around in an attempt to figure out who said that. Marvin the Martian was slinking around and Zelenka was hopping off in the opposite direction. The former looked weebil and the latter was being chased by that rather scary stalking Ancient known as Oma Desala.

Teyla turned into a human with a loud "pop" and John turned into popcorn.

Hmm popcon, thought Teyla and the rest of the Kirkified females in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Caz, however, looked at revulsion at a fanfiction that was entirely unfunny and filled with gibberish such as the product placement of the ships sheyla and Beckett/Chair, as well as the immortal salt and vinegar potato chips.

She sobbed despondently and turned John into a human again.

"You...are suddenly not as attractive," decided Teyla sadly.

John pouted. This didn't work. So he puffed out his cheeks and pretended to be a popped kernel. Teyla asked him to marry her immediately, thus the quota and original purpose of this story is fulfilled.

Beckett turned to the camera...shaking his head...tucking his stethoscope into a draw of voodoo dolls resembling Rodney McKay and Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep...and said, "Hungry, anyone?"

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Part V – Wriggling in Public

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"THE SKY IS FALLING!"

Naturally, this caused some concern as it bounced down several pairs of auditory canals in the command centre/starship bridge/balcony thingy in the gate room/whatever else they call it. Weir hid under an umbrella, Rodney hid under the umbrella, Chuck hid under the console and John pushed Teyla under him. That got cosy. Very cosy. This was why Chuck asked the console out when everyone realised that the sky was in fact not falling.

Chicken Little...erm...Hermiod apologised profusely, "I am profusely apologetic."

"Don't repeat the writer, copycat!" snapped Rodney.

Caz snapped at Rodney for trying to assert power in a postmodern text where no power exists except in whichever poor soul is reading this...alternatively, the power is in the powaaaah couple currently on the floor. That is, John was still sheltering Teyla but by now they had progressed to wriggling...wriggling a lot...wriggling in a way that made Hermiod decide not to follow the sheep of his species in the Milky Way Galaxy and stayed just to watch with beady scary asexual eyes.

"Is that the umbrella or are you just happy to see me?" giggled Elizabeth.

Rodney stated, "It's the umbrella thingymabob."

"Oh."

"But if you want it to be something else..."

"Yes?"

"...do the wriggling thing to me!!"

"Now who said that?" demanded Caz.

Elizabeth and Rodney shrugged, speaking at the same time to save space, "We didn't, but we shall do the wriggling thing in the privacy of the public showers."

"Public showers?" Caz raised her eyebrows, not believing this. "But I didn't write in public showers."

POWAAAH couple Sheyla claimed full responsibility.

Beckett turned to the camera and said, "No, I am just happy to see ye."

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In Conclusion

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“Now that wasn’t so bad for a sequel of a sequel now was it?” beamed Caz at the terrified hapless soul stuck in the bus seat next to her.

Beckett nervously made a “meep” sound.

Neither were to know that a few short minutes later they would crash into the Sheyla Train, although all will be pleased to know that as no exploding tumours were present, both captor and…companion…were fit enough to begin plotting more original sequel titles.