Portal Trip - Diary of Carl
Chapter 5 - Ruby Vale, I mean, Jack Willis
2004 - 2005
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Dear diary,
This quest for a better Van Helsing is taxing on my health. I cannot continue at this failure rate! But I must push on.
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Dear diary,
I decided there was no more delaying it. I returned through the portal device but oh! I immediately wished I hadn’t even thought to invent a portal machine. I ended up stranded in the middle of a red desert. I wish I’d thought to bring water, but I expected to be in the city again!
I am turning out as bad as Van Helsing when it comes to thinking ahead. But perhaps if I wait long enough, he will appear out of nowhere. This has been the case up until now.
Maybe I should walk to civilisation. This is a good road to follow.
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Dear diary,
Must...have...water...
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Dear diary,
I had complete faith that Van Helsing would turn up and rescue me! Well, not really. But I was pretty damn pleased to see him! Never mind that he nearly ran a metal contraption right over the top of me. Never mind that I wanted a Van Helsing that respected me. But I wanted some damn water!!
It turned out to be a mode of transport, for he asked,
“You wanna hitch?”
“WATER!” I exploded.
“I got that too.”
“Where am I?”
“Bad place to have a hangover, mate,” he supplied helpfully and managed to get me into...the mode of transport.
“No seriously, where am I?”
“The outback.”
“Out back where, exactly?”
The man spoke with agonizingly slowness. “Aus...tra...li...a.”
“The British colony?” I exclaimed.
He was answering my questions, with almost as much respect as Eddie. I was much heartened. There was the slight matter of a dog growling at me. Though, this Van Helsing dashed any of these hopes when he snorted! AT ME!!
“Where can I drop you off?” he wanted to know. “Wollongong?”
I was very desperate so I blurted outright, “I need a friend.”
“Not Wollongong then. Oodnadatta?”
He was talking gibberish! Absolute gibberish! It must be Van Helsing’s native language.
“I NEED SLEEP!!”
“Fine, sleep. I’ll wake you up when we pass Newcastle.”
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Dear diary,
I suppose it was all MY fault this trip didn’t turn out. If I had even less of a mind remaining, I would return and tell that Jack Willis exactly what to do with his novel!!! Insufferable Van Helsing!!!!! Details in a while.
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Dear diary,
I woke to hear him talking. I was startled, then assured myself he was merely talking to that wretched dog. I realised what he was doing!
He was plotting my death!
After sufficiently calming down, I was relieved to find out from what he was saying that he wasn’t trying to kill me...his name was just Jack Willis and he was writing a...romance novel. Sheesh, if I doubted Van Helsing’s preferences last time, this time I was thrown into more doubt. A romance novel??
“A romance novel!?” I exploded unwisely at the time.
“If you EVER tell anyone you’ve seen me writing this...” threatened this man, Jack Willis, “I’ll set my dog on you! NOW OUT!”
I am not a weak willed man, but faced with the prospect of being torn to shreds by a romance novelist’s dog, I jumped out. I should add the dog growled at me first.
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Dear diary,
Van Helsing cannot be what I think he is.
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Dear diary,
I attempted to test him with my charm...ahem...but it seems my fears are incorrect. Romance novels are not an indicator of anything!