Those That Should Never Meet
Written 2003 - note, a very stupid story

Chapter 1 - Well Ain't This A Get Together

The city of New York buzzed with traffic in the creeping night. A full moon shone down into quiet alleys suitable for mugging. A sleek BMW pulled out of one such alley with an old driver wearing a cap at the front of it.

“We’re lost,” complained Bruce Wayne crossly.

“Who cares?” Alfred replied annoyed.

Bruce thought about this for a moment, then said, “We CAN’T get lost in Gotham City, Alfred.”

“I thought I told you they had renamed it New York,” replied Alfred smoothly.

Well, the rich snob had been down lately since having to move into one of those apartments. The mansion was under close scrutiny and was now only inhabited by Robin and his...friends, which are girls. Searching frantically for something to complain about, Mr. Wayne burst out,

“I’m not on the front page anymore! It’s always those stupid freaks, you know, the Human Spider, the...the...weird devil guy and those mutant kids.”

“Uh huh,” Alfred supplied in a state of boredom.

The car pulled out onto a main road quite unlike that of which the street directory showed. The backseat driver millionaire threw it out the window, complaining of having to navigate. Fed up, he practically screamed at Alfred, “Are you listening to me?”

Suddenly the car in front swerved dangerously and left wobbly skids, slamming into the side of a building. A lithe figure jumped on top of it and proceeded to do something relating to an Irish riverdance. It didn’t take long for old news Batman/Bruce Wayne to spot him as the Dare Devil.

“Hit the road, mo’ fo!” Bruce screamed out the window. “You’re taking my front page!”

And jumped into the front seat and drove the car straight at his most recent hate. Alfred tried to snatch back the steering wheel but gave up only after a few seconds. A bewildered DD leapt out of the way and up over a building with a contraption.

“Hey, he used one of my cool gadget thingies!” wailed Batman.

Alfred shrugged. “He pays more and treats me nicer.”

“WHAT???”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spiderman hummed to himself as he swung from building to building. He had his nightly pictures secured somewhere and was busy trying to figure out how to get the front page. So wrapped up in his thoughts was he, he didn’t realised he was closing in fast on a somewhat green pedestrian until he slammed into him.

“OW YOU FREAK!” screamed the green monster.

Spiderman freaked. “OH NO IT’S THE GREEN GOBLIN AGAIN!”

The monster kicked him in the shins. “No you freak, ME HULK.”

“Freak? Who’s the freak?” Peter muttered.

The Hulk boxed his ears. “Spiderman’s a FREAK, he’s a FREAK.”

Having enough of this, Spiderman webbed himself up and away. The Hulk grinned evilly and sat back on his couch to watch TV. Dr. Banner appeared and began scoffing down pizza. No one passing by seemed to notice the furniture haphazardly littered across the pavement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New York is no place for mutants, but no one noticed anyway. They still reckoned Batman was a mutant . . .and that the Hulk was a clown dressed up. Is there something wrong with this picture? Sitting placidly at a plastic table smelling of grease and after shave, Wolverine flipped through the paper and moaned to his companion, Rogue, “We only made page five today.”

“Why would yah want to be on the news anyway?” she demanded, her southern accent filling the room as she tried to clean up the table. “I thought we were meant t’ operate in secret here.”

Clearly not listening to her, he found page three and complained, “Even Bruce Wayne and Batman got before me. Hm, those two are often on the same page...But STILL page five? That’s a slur in the reputation. Oh damn! That kid running around in a tight red suit made front page! When I get my claws on him...”

Rogue tore the paper away from him and threw it out the window. Logan dashed after it and stuck his head mournfully outside – nearly being rendered unconscious by someone hanging by rope or webs or something like that flying past.

“DAMN YOU!” Wolverine screamed at Spiderman. “You freak!”

The bug did not ignore this comment and swung back around for another pass. Logan used some colourful language and ducked back inside. However, Spiderman wasn’t going to stop outside, having been set on edge by a huge green thing below. He swung in, just as his nemesis sprouted claws, challenging, “Who’s the freak now, FREAK? Have you seen the thing outside?”

Curiousity overrode malice and Wolverine stuck his head out again and looked down. All he could see was a normal man sitting on a couch and sipping Dr Pepper. He drew his head back in, demanding, “What are you talking about? All I see is some guy watching TV.”

Rogue had been watching all of this in exasperation. She grabbed her keys and stormed out, muttering what suspiciously sounded like, “Men!”

“See what happens when he’s mad, then,” Spiderman said grumpily. And, without warning, leapt out the window, landing right beside his target.

Wolverine decided to see things first hand and jumped down the fire escape three steps at a time. Just as he reached the bottom and just as the bug was trying to get the target angry, a BMW sped around the corner, the occupants seemingly fighting over the steering wheel.

“Shit,” Logan supplied intelligently as the car come straight for him. He wasn’t too worried for himself, but the guys inside...you know, a guy with metal bones slamming through the windshield? So he did the first thing that came to his head. Jumped onto the bonnet.

He also got a good look at the dude in the expensive suit and immediately regretted not putting the occupants in danger. Grumpily he jumped off, hoping the BMW would smash into the wall. It did not, unfortunately. It found a snug landing with a few tonnes of rubbish.

“Look what you’ve done now, Alfred!” Bruce Wayne was practically screaming. “I won’t be able to get this smell off me for hours!”

Alfred rolled his eyes and kicked the whinger out through the window. He made a more graceful exit by opening the door and managed to look dignified as he took a seat on Banner’s couch, taking an interest in the news. Spiderman was standing there like an idiot, Logan trying to get the last remaining seat and Banner...the scientist was fast asleep, but jerked awake as soon as the millionaire approached.

“You stink!” The formerly green thing declared. “Back off!”

Bruce Wayne did not take this easily, gritting out, “You’re nothing but a poor unpaid scientist. I, however, earn millions.”

“Oh, you’re Bruce Wayne, huh?” Banner grinned lopsidedly, his pupils a little large. “Hehe, you’re a Bruce too!”

Alfred rolled his eyes (a habit when dealing with people who went around attempting to save people and I say attempting because it doesn’t usually work) and shifted over on the couch. “Whatever you do, don’t touch anything here. It’s all drugs...”

“To set off the green man, baby!”

Logan watched with a cigar in his mouth anxiously as Bruce Banner hurled up some pizza and started dancing in the middle of the street, sniffing something through a straw. Spiderman watched with some interest and envy as the scientist got a rather large high and turned into his green bad self.

“Hey, kid,” Bruce Wayne looked over at the brightly dressed bug. “What’s with the pecs? And spandex? When will you learn, rubber is the only way to dress up these days. Get a rodent instead – insects were SO last season.”

Peter stared at him blankly, then began to get mad. “Are you comparing me to that freak of a rodent, BATMAN!!!!!????”

Alfred located the half empty Dr Pepper and began finishing it, without even bothering to check if there were drugs in it. Wolverine found a cache of cigars. Cuban.

“Excellent,” he declared and pocketed them.

Bruce Wayne was getting into one of his motivational moods, like when he tried to get Robin out of the basement to confront his fear of women. He shifted around, but couldn’t find a comfortable spot. Finally, he burst out savagely, “I’m gonna be frank with you, freak – I mean, kid. You know that really dumbass suit made to look like a bat? Dat’s me inside!”

Parker seemed to be hyperventilating for a few seconds. He jumped to his feet and tore off his mask angrily. At this, Logan started sniggering, "Hey, you’re that geeky photographer kid I saw down at the supermarket last week.”

Everyone looked at him.

“Well,” Alfred burped, patting his stomach. “If they’re all heroes (ones who never seem to get the job right), what does that make you?”

Wolverine thought about this for a moment. “Um, a mutant?” He looked out at the Hulk who was dancing on the spot and crushing all the taxis that dared venture up the street. “Hey, that’s not fair. What the hell is he, then?”

“Dunno, let’s ask him,” Peter suggested.

Just as they’d gotten up, to go over to the Hulk (who progressively became human, then green again), a loud shout reverberated overhead –

“LOOK OUT BELOW!”

A flash of red sped by and landed heavily on the couch. The sound of ripping seams were heard. Muttering darkly, Daredevil got up and tried to save his dignity. Even the stoned Bruce Banner managed to stay human long enough to register the new arrival. Only Logan had anything to say, “Well, ain’t this a get together.”


Chapter 2 - Therapy

“Holy shit,” Logan cursed. “The guy stealing my front page lands right in front of me and all I can comment on is a get together.”

Bruce Wayne was already trying to punch the lights out of Daredevil. Spiderman jumped over and suggested, “I hold, you punch?”

Mild-mannered Bruce Banner sauntered over, drawing in deep from a bong. He didn’t seem at all cross to see the front page hero on his couch. On the contrary, he offered the guy a puff. A rather red faced millionaire batted away the smoke. "We’re trying to beat this mo’ fo up, not get him stoned!”

“Huh,” the scientist replied flippantly. “You’re making me angry.”

Everyone stopped what they were doing. They looked at the stoner anxiously, as if expecting him to hurl himself at their throats. Wolverine was puffing at his newly acquired Cuban cigars without realising that it wasn’t lit. Banner’s chest was heaving and he was on the verge of becoming a lovely shade of green when Alfred picked up the bong and handed it over (taking a quick draw himself).

Daredevil grumpily kicked Peter off him, taking off his shredded mask. Logan flicked out his lighter and lit up. He was extremely peeved when Wayne’s butler took it off him and threw it in a passing cab which promptly burst into flames.

“Now get your arses on the couch,” Alfred said dangerously.

Even Bruce Wayne parked his rear down and instantly regretted it. The stoner sat next to him and drew in a deep breath from his bong, offering a little to the millionaire. The offer was not refused. Logan sized up the butler, then muttered “the hell with it” and sat down. Spiderman put his hands on his hips, but gave up and followed the others.

Alfred flicked off the TV and sat on it. “Can’t you all just sit in silence for one minute?”

There was silence. Nobody moved. It seemed that Alfred’s wish was actually going to be carried out.

“This is sooo tight,” Matt Murdoc complained, tugging at his tearing outfit. He desisted with a look from the butler.

Banner began snorting some stuff he’d found under a cushion. Loudly. The other Bruce whined, “Allllllfred. He’s doing drugs.”

The scientist suddenly looked over at Peter Parker. “Hehe. You’re a freak, aren’t you?”

“SHUT UP! I AM NOT A FREAK! WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL ME A FREAK?”

Wolverine shook his head, disbelieving. “You guys have issues.”

“Might I remind you, Logan,” Alfred said icily, “that you are experiancing female difficulties.”

This time Wolverine got the stare down. He jumped up and whipped out his claws. “Shit, when you put it like that...I’m gonna rip you to shreds.”

Bruce Banner followed and managed to restrain him. “Here have a puff. We all feel your pain...hehe...”

Alfred waited for silence once more before saying, “We’re all friends here...”

“Yeah. Right.” Wolverine then tried to maul Bruce Wayne who had come on over a little too close.

Banner had given up restraining the mutant and now put his chin in his hands. “Heho all ya peace lovin’ guys. I’m Bruce Banner and I’m into da heavy stuff.”

Everyone looked at him, even Logan who was busy trying to tear up Batman. Spiderman groaned, “This is not a junkies convention. We’re NOT going to do all the ‘hi my name’s such and such and I’m a drug addict’.”

Banner smiled innocently. “You’re making me angry.”

“Cut with that shit,” Logan told him.

Alfred set upon them all with one of his prize winning glares which has sent Batman running up to his bedroom several times. The response was chirped back through gritted teeth, “Hello.”