Portal Trip - Diary of Carl
Chapter 7 - Leopold

2004-2005

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Dear diary,

I have come to the conclusion through my calculations that there are not that many Van Helsing portals remaining. I am a little desperate – no, make that a lot! I simply cannot find one Van Helsing who does not have an overwhelming desire to try and kill me or leave me for death-by-hot-dog-stand!

I feel I threatened the existence of the portal network by allowing Brady Jackson from last week to reside in a different portal than his own.

Maybe all the Van Helsings will die.

That would be devastating.

Maybe.

I wouldn’t have to put up with him anymore.

But I do want his respect! Dammit, I deserve respect from at least one person!

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Dear diary,

I was about to leave on next portal trip when Van Helsing showed up – insufferable man! He hung around for an entire hour, fiddling with my experiments and just generally being annoying. I ask him to leave but nooooooo!

“You’re up to something, Carl” – was his accusation.

Up to something? Me? Never! Well I suppose there is the matter of trying to find a better version of this tall, dark and ugly man!

So I told him that if I was indeed up to something it was none of his beeswax and that he should leave immediately. I told him to leave by borrowing a phrase from one of my trips in the portals!

“Cluck off?” he repeated in confusion (ha! Always confused!), but did in fact leave.

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Dear diary,

Aha! At last a time frame I am familiar with! I could almost be stirred to never cursing again! Almost! I have located myself in New York and am ashamed to find myself dismayed at the lack of skyscrapers.

Ack! The future has already befuddled me. I quite like it, actually. You can walk into a bar and immediately pick up damsels in distress! Amazing!

Anyway, I was tempted to see if the Holy Order still existed in this portal, but it turns out there are no such thing as vampires or gargoyles or werewolves. My Van Helsing would certainly be out of a job!

So far, I have enjoyed a peaceful walk along the banks of some river without any collisions with hot dog stands. The past, at least, is sensible in that.

I think I might lie down…that damned Van Helsing wore me out earlier…

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Dear diary,

Never fall asleep! Never! How could I have been so damned foolish? Van Helsing could have waltzed by wearing a stuffed vulture hat and swinging a red hand bag like some demented popinjay chemistry professor and I WOULD NOT HAVE NOTICED!

Oh wait, I think I spy…could it be…? Van Helsing!

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Dear diary,

I have decided I really like this version. Allow me to explain.

He is an inventor! Finally a Van Helsing with noteworthy goals! And far from being insufferable, which is an absolute bonus. I wrote down his full name out of hilarity:

Leopold Alexis Elijah Walker Gareth Thomas Mountbatten!!!

But apart from that embarrassing mouthful, this Van Helsing is truly the one I have been searching for. We have spent hours talking about the great achievers of our time and their many ingenious creations.

Finally someone who knows his own two pounds worth of Thomas Edison!

And owns quite a decent house also…I think I will like dining here.

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Dear diary,

Hm, when you’re right, you’re right. I do indeed like dining here, although the increased brain capacity of Van Helsing is a little unnerving at times. This Leopold is a very nice, totally non-insufferable man. His two sons, however…yech. They remind me too much of my Van Helsing.

I finally could stand it no longer and burst out my grand experiment – the most fantastic portal tripping. This amazed Leopold greatly but then he too returned the favour. He admitted that his wife was, in fact, from the future.

I am not to be outdone. I REFUSE TO BE OUTDONE!

Be honest with me, my dearest diary, what sounds better – time travel or portal tripping? No, don’t answer that. You’ll either make me very depressed or very smug. And we can’t have that here under the scrutiny of such an inventor! DAMN TIME TRAVEL! How could I not discover this before someone else?

I must ask the specifics. But for now, I think I’m just going to lie down and prepare myself for the morning. Yes…I just need to forget this little mishap…

TIME TRAVEL! Or all things! DAMN, I hate being outdone.

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Dear diary,

PAH! How can a host lie to his guest, hm? Especially a guest like me whose nerves are easily frazzled! Turns out this Leopold did not invent time travel (nah nah nah nah!) but merely experienced it. Grr! That poor deceived man in the future had better patent this before Leopold does!

Although I must say I rather like this elevator idea. (No more nagging by that stupid clucking Cardinal to climb those damned stairs!)

Leopold asked where I had got the idea for portal travel. I found myself confessing deep desires of respect from that insufferable man lurking back at the Vatican! And the nerve of this inventor to tell me that by the sounds of it, my Van Helsing already did respect me!

Ack! I think I prefer people of the future cursing at me to this intolerable old style banter. (Am I really becoming so confused of my own portal and time?)

“Carl,” said Leopold very seriously, “I think you need to respect him.”

Grrr. Oh well, we parted in good companionship. Leopold hoped we’d meet again. I had to restrain myself from pestering his wife, Kate, with questions about how dangerous hot dog stands really are.

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Dear diary,

Back at the Vatican, everything is as quiet as I left it. Mr-I’m-in-red-therefore-I’m-mean-and-nasty had the nerve to reprimand me about my absence. Of course I couldn’t tell the Cardinal were I was! Ack!

Then Van Helsing just has to come along and apologise for being unable to keep the Cardinal away from the lab long enough.

“What? You were guarding my lab?” I exploded.

Van Helsing gave me that very annoying smirk. “What are friends for, Carl?”

I poked a finger at him defiantly. “I don’t have any friends! A friend is someone who respects me!”

I was very satisfied that my words stirred Van Helsing to leave. He did look a little hurt but, honestly, he doesn’t consider me a friend. What nonsense!

Well…