Portal Trip - Diary of Carl
Chapter 8 - Hugh Jackman
Perhaps I shouldn’t have felt so threatened by Leopold. He would have nicer to me than Van Helsing. That insufferable man is nowhere in sight! Not that I’m complaining, but it is nice to have someone to talk to.
He may have been offended when I implied he wasn’t my friend.
Unlikely. That man is immovable.
But I won’t back down. A friend is someone who respects you – not someone who hides your inventions in dumbwaiters when your back is turned!
I have encountered far more respect during this portal tripping of mine and it’s very flattering. If only my Van Helsing thought to be nice to me every so often, I wouldn’t have to stay up late working on my portal tripping.
It’s his fault I’ve got rings under my eyes!
This odd manner of turning up at Australia every so often confuses me. Unless this is the mystery behind Van Helsing! He comes from Australia! Aha! I bet if he did, he’d have been one of the feared criminals in the land!
I am now thoroughly lost with no hope of finding Van Helsing.
At least here, death-by-hot-dog-stand is unlikely. However, I have seen those dreaded bananas named B1 and B2 again. They chased me down a very busy street until I was nearly run over by some sort of motorised bicycle.
I think I need a drink.
I found Van Helsing! Or rather, he found me.
I was walking along and minding my own business when two teenager girls attacked me, demanding I scribble on their notebooks. I was overcome with panic. I am ashamed to admit that at first I thought they had recognised me as a famous inventor. It seems inventors do not get this kind of reception.
In my panic to retreat, I fell over a sanitary device called a bin. I ended up staring at the sky, which was now ringed with the two girls’ friends. They were screaming something at me…something that sounded like “David”.
Suddenly, the lynch mob caught sight of something far less frazzled and jumped to attack it instead. Just as my luck should have it, a boy starts jumping on me! ACK!!
I hear an all too familiar voice say, “Oscar, that’s enough!”
I wanted to disappear. Van Helsing had found me in a very awkward moment. He came over and lifted off the boy, then hauled me to my feet. The same teenager girls were giggling off to one side.
“Um, hello,” I managed to articulate, waiting for some sign of what his name was.
This Van Helsing actually looked normal. And nice! But I was a little uneasy seeing that the menacing boy was his – there are many ways that man can kill me.
“I thought you were shooting The Proposition,” my saviour sounded surprised. “Did your part wrap up early?”
I had no idea what this man was talking about – but he seemed to know me! I have never, in my life, been received this amiably from my Van Helsing. I didn’t know how to answer and obviously if I mentioned I knew nothing, I’d look rather insane.
So I merely said, “Uh…yeah.”
This Van Helsing looked warily at the teenager girls who were having difficulty breathing. He threw an arm over my shoulders and guided me away.
“Fan bases – need I say more?” He sighed. “You want coffee or something?”
I nodded fervently, desperate to get away from the horde.
That little boy is starting to annoy me. He keeps making faces at me. I am above returning such faces.
For the past two hours, I have had to pretend I knew what this man was talking about. I have discovered his last name – by chance, a waitress came by, blushing, had asked, “May I have your autograph, Mr Jackman?”
So I know this man is called Mr Jackman. What else do I know? This is all very hard. He keeps asking me questions I don’t really know the answer to! And how does this Van Helsing know me! HOW!?
Oh wait – the waitress is coming back! Excellent – she may spill more secrets.
Oh my God. Oh. My. God. OH MY GOD.
Let me calm down.
Oh my God.
I have discovered the secret of all the portals. I know WHY they exist! I understand it all now! It makes perfect sense! I think I am calm now.
The waitress did spill more secrets. She said to us while putting the coffee down, “I thought you two in Van Helsing were great!”
She…said…VAN HELSING! She…said…it! I was so astounded I think I nearly died! It was as if Dracula had jumped out at me and shouted, “The bananas are coming!”
She then babbled quickly about some rather heroic sounding man named Faramir and then addressed me as…Mr Wenham. Now what kind of name is that? I have ascertained that my name here is David Wenham. How obscure.
Interpreting the sudden squeal of an old woman the next table over, I now know that this man who seems to know me is named Hugh Jackman. Sounds like a British upper class snob name to me!
Before I could find out more, that annoying boy who answers to the name Oscar interrupted pleading to go to some place. This was where this Hugh Jackman gave me a farewell. I was rather saddened by this. He seemed like such a nice man but that boy, I swear, bared his teeth at me! Ack!
I thought I had found the absolute perfect Van Helsing.
I decided to investigate just how people knew the name Van Helsing. And just how people knew Hugh and me so well!
I stooped to the level of talking to the teenage girls about it. Well, I just appeared and they talked to me. They kept mentioning the word “movies” a lot.
The mob, who liked to go by the name “fan girls”, invited me to watch what they called my “finest moments”. I must say I am appalled at the exposure of girls as young as them to this sort of violence and…ah…inappropriateness.
Movies happen to be many, many, many slides stuck together in a sequence. I have been experimenting with such technology myself, but this is astounding!
I understand why the portals exist. It is all because of this particular portal and their damned actors. They keep creating portals with every movie they make! Oh, diary, I just realised what this means.
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I AM FICTION!!!!!!!!
I must have passed out for I opened my eyes to find the “fan girls” fanning me. Ack! But I was very scared. DAMN FICTION! I think I rather detest fiction. I loathe it. I despise it. I AM MERELY FICTION! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Allow me to explain.
The David Wenham everyone is mistaking me for is an actor in movies. He acted in a certain movie called Van Helsing and therefore I was created. This…I can’t quite grasp. I lived my life, I know that! But someone created it for me! I think I’ve gone mad with the implications of this.
I feel real! I am real! I think. Damn reality. I hate reality.
I AM REAL!
Although, I must say movies are a most interesting way of passing time. At least now I know why Van Helsing was so upset after the Transylvania mission. I know his secret! He kissed Anna! Then he killed her – so of course he’s understandably upset. I thought he was just moping about not understanding this whole “left hand of God” business.
Why didn’t he tell me? Am I just a popinjay? I thought we were friends! Albeit, not very good friends because he doesn’t respect me that well.
Still, he could have told me! He loved Anna!
Oh, before I become too caught up in this, let me just say I do not hate fiction so much. Maybe I should grow my hair. This Faramir guy is AWESOME!
I nearly had a heart attack watching some musical called Moulin Rouge! upon seeing Dracula. I had to remind myself that it was just a movie. I look stupid in that movie, by the way. Very embarrassing. I hope my Van Helsing never sees it.
But how could he? He is stuck in his own portal. I mean, our portal. Thank God for that! But this is amazing – I’m in so many movies! This means there are countless portals to explore – some even of me!
I thanked the fan girls for their hospitality, signed some paper which they started kissing happily and left. What an amusing notion – fan girls.
I have never felt such compassion for Van Helsing. Now I try not to mention anything that might upset him. The whole Vatican thinks I’m weird – I can’t help it if I feel like running around and saying, “You’re fiction! You’re nothing but fiction!”
I also can’t help it if I know that Jinette’s damn replacement was sucked in by the Lateran treaty. At least, that’s what will happen if the other portals’ histories are anything to go by. I hope I’m far from Rome when that buffoon starts what the other portals’ historians call fascism.
I fear I will have to make a quick decision about which Van Helsing I want to stay with. This will be very difficult. If I don’t choose by tomorrow, I think I’ll be carted off to one of those asylums!
But who do I choose? WHO?