The Death Toll Rises in the Name of Ship
2006, but some parts might be 2005. Lines written by Elly are in bold.
Part I – It’s Times Like These…
And so a harebrained plan was formed to save Atlantis. Elizabeth ran dramatically to Rodney and burst out, “Oh Rodney, what if you get blown up?”
“Never fear!” said he. “I will make sure Grodin blows up!”
Elizabeth giggled. “You're so bad...I'm so attracted.”
Rodney was surprised. He said in surprise (funnily enough), “Really? I'm so attracted too!”
And just as this inexplicable event was occurring –
John Sheppard walked past and saw!
“Aww crap,” he said miserably and –
ran off a balcony!
And the laws of the universe prevailed.
“Noooo!” Beckett shouted, running past. “Now I will have to sit in the chair!”
The Chair saucily invited, “Come play.”
Beckett bolted past the Chair room. He turned to the camera and said, “It's times like these you need...”
“Minties?” Caz supplied helpfully.
Beckett shook his head. “No. Female characters.”
Elly grabbed a nearby phone, somehow hacked the PA system at Atlantis which was infact destroyed by the Chair for reasons unknown and declared, “Rodney doesn’t look so hot in a spacesuit.”
“Never fear!” Superman – I mean, Rodney declared. “I shall have to strip it off later!”
“I will help!” Elizabeth added brightly.
Part II – The REAL Siege Pt 3
It was dark. And it was night. The Wraith fired upon the shield. It was light.
"Nice fireworks," Liz said happil., "Very romantic."
Rodney blinked. He frowned. "But we are about to DIE."
"Romantic," she repeated.
Rodney looked. He conceded, "A romantic death."
Beckett turned to the camera and said grumpily, "This is the real story. How Dr Beckett saved Atlantis while the smartest scientist snogged the expedition leader."
Part III – Curse of the Wererabbit
All was quiet in Atlantis
for the sound of the gigantic wererabbit!
Rodney ran from the wererabbit!
Elizabeth ran from the wererabbit!
Katie Brown ran from the wererabbit!
John Sheppard ran from the wererabbit!
John ran off a balcony!
Katie Brown turned into a Furling!
Rodney looked at Liz and explained they were the only humans that ran from the wererabbit! So they went to the mess for a date.
The wererabbit ran!
Katie Brown ran into Cadman who also turned into a Furling! They saw Beckett walk past! Beckett saw them and freaked!
"Is our date off?" Cadman wept.
Katie Brown, now a Furling, got mad because Cadman was hitting on the only male half-Furling in the city. A bitch slapping fight ensued. Beckett turned to the camera and said, "This is what humans get for inbreeding."
Part IV – BBQ
There was a BBQ on Atlantis. Everyone was invited. Ba'al was lurking in the corner holding what looked suspiciously like a pink pillow. The roast spit was cooking. It looked very big. Too big to be a feral pig and too small to be a T-Rex and too sleek to be a Wraith.
"Smells good!" said John enthusiastically.
Most people were having trouble digesting it. All the scientists were loving it. Then someone said, "Oi, where's Kavanaugh?"
The scientists all guiltily wiped their lips of grease. They then pointed at Rodney. Rodney looked around nervously. He explained, "Kavanaugh was sweating like a pig. He said so. I wondered if he would taste like one."
Jack O'Neill wondered if this was legal. He decided he didn't care. Elizabeth Weir beamed at Rodney. She said, "No more annoying 'private' conversations!"
She was so happy she threw her arms around him and kissed him. Zelenka said, "Not that I care, but is that legal?"
Beckett turned to the camera and said, "There are no laws in the Pegasus Galaxy. Mouse retrovirus anyone?"
Part V – Storage Closet
Rodney walked past a storage closet. A sign on it said: "Do not disturb"
He opened the door. Elizabeth Weir was sitting in the dark with her laptop and coffee. She looked up and said brightly, "This wireless really works!"
Rodney was outraged.
"Wireless? WIRELESS! Why was I not told?" he cried.
Elizabeth hushed him. "Because I'm the only one who knows about it!"
Rodney's eyes widened. "Really?"
"Well...Beckett's girlfriend set it up."
"You're not into inanimate object shipping are you? And no."
“Who is it?"
"Some Mary Sue."
"Mary Sue? Who is it?"
"Some crazy tribble called Caz."
Elly walked past and practised her ventriloquist skills with sock puppets:
what's a tribble...
you don't want to know...
Elizabeth pointed at Elly. "What she said."
Elly waved cheerfully and disappeared.
"Riiight. Hey, Liz, we're in a supply closet."
"No we're not."
"Yes we are."
"It's a storage closet."
“Liz, if I kiss you will you let me access wireless?"
Rodney was crestfallen. He turned to go. Elizabeth stopped him by laughing. "Only if you snog me!"
"Ok!" Rodney said eagerly.
Zelenka ran past outside, screaming. Oma chased after him. Beckett turned to the camera and said, "Caz is yet to write a Stargate Mary Sue. But if she does, the chair must DIE."
Caz jumped up. She grabbed the camera and put her face into it. "Apart from, inserting, random, commas, I have something to say."
THE CHAIR MUST DIE!
Beckett poked Caz and reminded her, "Inverted commas."
Caz: What about script format?
"Not allowed here," he said firmly."Inverted commas."
"THE CHAIR MUST DIE!" Caz howled into the camera.
Beckett patted her arm. "And why is that?"
Caz replied to his question. But there was no talking. Unless you count what Beckett finally turned to the camera and said, "Don't look at us, there's McWeir in the storage closet."
Part VI - Voodoo
Rodney McKay walked into the infirmary. He had run out of bandaids and he couldn't help but feel unsafe around Zelenka. The Czech had been acting really weird. Like sharpening his teeth on carrots and hopping about the place.
Rodney was in the infirmary. He heard odd sounds. No one was there but Carson Beckett! Beckett was holding a doll of Kavanaugh and poking pins into it!
"I knew it!" Rodney shouted. "Voodoo!"
Beckett looked very guilty. Rodney grabbed the doll of him and tore off its head.
"Did that kill the bastard?" Rodney wanted to know.
From above they both heard the screams of "his head fell off!" Rodney clapped his hands in glee and said, "Excellent."
Then Rodney got a brainwave. He said to Beckett, "Can you make Lizbeth fall madly in love with me?"
"No, lad," Beckett told him, then added when Rodney looked depressed, "she already has fallen madly in love with you."
Rodney blinked. He coughed. "Uh, what do I do?"
"Go and kiss her," Beckett ordered and muttered, "guess I won't be needed this love potion."
Rodney demanded, "What love potion?"
"The lass wanted you to fall madly in love with her. So just go and kiss her and tell her you're not under any spell!"
Rodney ran, then ran back. He demanded, "Carson, you're not talking much brogue today."
He bolted out and snogged Liz.
Beckett turned to the camera and said, "Caz is forgetting to put accent markers in. I apologise on her behalf."
Part VII – When Humans Go Wild
It was dark at Atlantis. Everyone was sleeping except the science department, the military department, the medical apartment and the civilian department.
Teyla Emmagan slept and dreamt of John Sheppard with a playboy bunny tattoo on his right shoulder blade. She didn't recognise the shape but it made her grin. Ronan slept. He dreamt he was blowing things up.
A huge banana fell from the sky and slammed into the ocean!
Jonas Quinn ran past everyone's rooms banging on the doors and shouting, "THE LUNCHBOX HAS LANDED!"
He was whumped by Aiden Ford who had no sympathy for a character similarly jipped.
Dr Beckett grabbed a surfboard. And piped it. The waves that is. Of course this showed everyone what he sleeps in. Or doesn't sleep in. Beckett was not surfing alone, but that is another story.
Elizabeth Weir floated up into the sky.
A chorus of flying fat almost naked Urgos starting singing:
"Lizzie in the sky with Urgos."
The Head Urgo shot Rodney with an arrow. Rodney floated up to the sky. Elizabeth asked, "What are you doing here?"
"Gettin' ripped," Rodney said cheerfully.
They both looked down at the huge tidal waves from the banana. Elizabeth frowned, "Aren't there fornication rules of Atlantis?"
"If there were you would know," Rodney told her eagerly. "You make those rules."
Elizabeth hmmmed. "I don't think I ever made one."
Atlantis was wiped out from the tidal waves!
"Oops," he said. "I did it again."
He cowered because Liz might be angry that he wiped out things again. But it wasn't his fault. Not sure why he was angsty. Oh that's right. He'd diverted the power from the shields to his fish tank.
Rodney said diplomatically, "We are the only humans left on this planet. You woman. I man."
Rodney regressed to Tarzan ways. Tarzan was his ancestor after all. Rodney and Elizabeth found a nice little island and began repopulating it.
They went exploring one day and found the mainland. The mainland was overrun by a Furling clan. Beckett was head of the Furling Clan with his mate Caz who was sick to death of all those Furlings.
The unnamed planet in the Pegasus Galaxy was populated by humans and Furlings and weird furry cross breeds. When Humans Go Wild became a hit reality TV show because Caldwell recorded everything from the Deadalus.
A coffin was wheeled into a white padded room. The lights were dimmed. And slowly, the supernatural being of intense evil –
“Hey!” Caz said indignantly as she jumped out of the coffin. She regained her poise and intoned solemnly, “And so the death toll rises in the name of ship.”
Beckett poked his head out and warned, “Shippers should not be given the licence to kill.”