Portal Trip - Diary of Carl
Chapter 3 - Eddie

2004

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Dear diary,

I will not be beaten by one attempt! I will try this again. Once I find my nerves.

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Dear diary,

I found myself in a similar situation to yesterday’s portal trip. A “hot dog stand” endeavoured to take my life again, but I was able to avoid death-by-hot-dog-stand. This reminded me of the violent previous try, but I remained true to my mission. (So there Van Helsing, I don’t let my over active imagination drive me to distraction!)

I attempted asking if anyone knew a Van Helsing or Logan or Wolverine, but was met with hostility and raised eyebrows. This must be a custom of the future. What a disastrous means of communication!

I need a drink. And some female company. Depends which comes first.

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Dear diary,

I managed to track down a bar. Thank god they are still called the same thing. I was unable to find a quiet corner and was forced to share space with someone else. It did not occur to me to look to closely at my new anonymous companion until he struck up conversation. Again, Van Helsing was easy to find. I was relieved that he did not appear malicious.

And I was so startled I didn’t hear what he said. I asked him to repeat.

“It’s sad isn’t it?”

“Er, what is?”

He pointed at a crowd around the bar, composed of both men and women. I gave him my best shrug, while trying to best evaluate how to find out about his character. He snorted at my confusion, “The dating game known as casual sex.”

“Casual what?” I exclaimed.

He rolled his eyes. "Pick a woman one night, another the next night. Where’s the meaning in it?”

I had to convince myself he knew nothing about my travel to Transylvania. While trying to think of suitable topic change, I was forced to listen to an in depth life story of the man. By the end, I was sufficiently moved to add my collection of tales. I found out that his name was Eddie – after telling him my own.

“Take it from me, Carl,” he advised me. “One night strands give you no meaning in life. But if it was meaning you were after, go rob a church.”

I refrained from explaining that I was a friar, thank you very much. I saw him make a short waving gesture through the glass. He explained, “See her? That’s Jane, my fiancé. I’d ditch every moment of orgasmic pleasure in every life hereafter for her. Think about it.”

Upon trying to follow him and ask if he’d like to be my friend, I was attacked by the merciless hot-dog-stand and knocked unconscious for some time. Dammit.

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Dear diary,

I have yet to hear such good advice from my Van Helsing. Upon finding out about the barmaid, mine would not stop laughing and blackmailing me for a year. I have yet to find out his nasty little secret about his being miserable for that year after Transylvania!

Today I told Van Helsing of my wishes to take a vow of chastity. He laughed and said I was not serious. I confessed neither was I.

So I said, “Until one who I could remain with even once I am taken into God’s kingdom.”

Damn Van Helsing...he can never take a SINGLE THING seriously...