Colonel O'Neill's Guide to the Universe

2003.

If it's shorter than Dr Frasier and balder than General Hammond, it's an Asgard.

If it's a blue crystal stuck in yellow soil, don't touch it.

If it's against the Regs, do it - during a time loop.

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Definition of a Goa'uld: slimy snake head
Symptoms: glowing eyes, shift in behaviour, evilness
Treatment: Nuclear bomb plus Naquada .

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You will have to relive your most painful memory at least once a season.

Don't romance Goa'uld hosts - it may not be the gender you're after.

If you can speak a different language, you will save your friends' lives.

If you get married, your spouse will die or divorce you, attempting to kill you first.

If you come from Abydos, you will die. Conditions vary on how long you've spent there.

If it moves, blast it. If it speaks, blast it.

Shoot once to check who it is, two if you can't be bothered and three times if wrong person.

If Dr Frasier can't do it, the Tok'ra can't either.

SG1 members do not die. They ascend.

If you retire, expect to be back within a year.

When confronted with Senator Kinsey, remind yourself that no Goa'uld currently live in the USA.

Don't trust creepy little men called Urgo.

Name all spaceships after mythology and not "Enterprise" as it cannot be sued for plagiarism.

Only red phones reach the President.

In alternate realities, you will be married to someone close and another friend will be evil.

The Tok'ra don't call around to say hi. They expect people willing to go on a suicide mission.

Asgard have the worst timing, so keep a toothbrush handy.

If you're Jaffa in 1969, you'll fit right in.

"Go to Sokar" is no longer politically correct.

100 days fraternising with an alien population is never enough.

To keep Asgard allies: Blow up a few replicators. That'll keep them happy.

If General Hammond has hair, you've gone back in time.

Avoid people dressed in armour complete with weird heads. Chances are they will try to kill you.

Try not to be intimidated by people more intelligent than you.

Always follow the yellow brick road.

Tok'ra don't like to be called Goa'uld.

General Hammond doesn't know how John West can live with himself.

And most importantly, remember to tape the Simpsons.