Portal Trip - Diary of Carl
Chapter 9 - Carl's Choice
I have taken refuge in one of the many hidden passages around the Vatican. Only people like me with no life know these exist. My fears proved correct – I am to be carted off to some…some…some…horrible place. I am not without my portal device however.
Despite what some say, I am actually quite smart. I moved it in the dead of night. The hour when only Van Helsing prowls about. But I didn’t see him. I’m safe.
I have to make a quick choice. I cannot stay here. I would rather be stuck with someone like Curly than shut up in some institution.
Now. I must quit dithering and get on with it.
No. I’m going to sneak some wine from the communion stash to calm my nerves.
Sooo sleppy. Ni, ni.
I have a horrendous headache. I just can’t decide. Must…think…of a logical way to do this. How about I use the process of elimination? All men of science must do this at some point. I will start with those that I shudder to think of living with.
Logan: Definitely not! I refuse to seek out the company of someone who can cut me up into little pieces and feed me to the hotdog stand.
Peter Allen: What if this Van Helsing starts making moves on me? OH NO DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT! MY POOR MIND! Friends, that’s all. JUST FRIENDS!
Jack Willis: No, no, definitely NOT! Absolutely no respect! And I will not live in fear of my life around that, that dog!
Curly: I refuse to live my life singing stupid songs about the stupid country side! Bring me some high rise buildings!
At least I have lessened the burden somewhat. What do I do? The process of elimination only goes so far!
Wait! How could I forget to add my Van Helsing to that list of those I cannot live with! Oh, I don’t know. He can be very annoying. My poor mind. I’ll eliminate him later. I promise I will.
I just need to take my mind of this for a moment…
I really don’t like hidden passages. They just have to be such cramped places don’t they!
I tried to take a short walk while everyone was asleep but NOOOOOO! Van Helsing just had to catch me this time. I was running swiftly and silently through the halls like the gallant Faramir. I was taking note of my surroundings. I swear!
I happened to run smack bang into Van Helsing. I thought he was going to drag me to the Cardinal! I felt like a vampire with a stake in my heart!
“Carl!” he exclaimed instead. “They haven’t caught you yet?”
I tried to run away but I tripped over my robes. Dammit, why did I have to be a friar? Brain the size of the planet, I sure could make some money!
I started babbling, “I have – very big – something – decision to make!”
Van Helsing raised an eyebrow. “Maybe you should be locked up.”
“That’s it!” I shouted. “You’re eliminated!”
I again tried to run, but damn that Van Helsing, he grabbed me! I tried to get out of his grip, but constantly failed. I wished then that I really was Faramir. I would have him begging for mercy!
Van Helsing assured me, “I’m not going to do you in, Carl, but you have been acting really strange lately. Come on, you can tell me what’s going on. You haven’t found a way of turning the Cardinal into a chicken have you?”
It was such an absurd idea that I actually laughed along with him.
“Don’t distract me, dammit!” I warned him. “I’ll tell you if you’re not eliminated.”
“Eliminated? Eliminated from what?”
“I’m not telling you!”
Van Helsing sighed. “Fine, whatever. I thought you trusted me. Hell, I know where you’ve been hiding. I didn’t tell the Order. Shouldn’t you trust me?”
He turned and literally stormed away. Damn, why does he have to make me feel so guilty?
I have decided there is one person who can help me with my decision. It is time to call in one of my IOUs. Hehe. IOUs. That should be a form of currency.
I paid a visit to the lawyer who so kindly helped me when I was arrested in that portal with those…those…vicious “coppers”! His name was Brady there, but now he has gone under the assumed name of Paul McCune.
He greeted me very civilly and explained how well he was doing in his new portal. He couldn’t stop laughing and showed me a clipping from a newspaper. I couldn’t believe it! The portal that Paul had made his new home was the one belonging to Hugh Jackman!
Apparently, there was some confusion other whether or not David Wenham was in Sydney at that time. There were lots of guesses – maybe he had a twin!
“I wondered when you would drop by,” Paul told me. “You’ll be pleased to know I haven’t continued to be a lawyer. I’m making a name for myself as a train driver. Piss poor pay, but it’s good fun. I don’t want to draw too much attention to myself. It might get out that a carbon copy of Hugh Jackman is in the area.”
I told him I was still on my quest. I even asked if he would be as kind to be my new Van Helsing. Paul snorted. “You’re insane, Carl! You don’t want to room with me. I’ve got a girlfriend, by the way. She’s planning on moving in anyway.”
“But that’s not fair!” I said. “I can’t make up my mind! You were one of the nicer ones.”
Paul was actually amused. AT ME! I am sick of being a joke, let me tell you. Paul gave me advice in such an obscure way that I’m not sure I will be able to use. I JUST WANTED HIM TO MAKE MY MIND UP FOR ME!
But nooooooo, he had to be ambiguous.
“Maybe, Carl,” he said, “you are looking in the wrong place. You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Or should I say, till you’ve gone.”
Insufferable! Are all Van Helsing versions insufferable!
Let’s eliminate Brady Jackson/Paul McCune, shall we? I can’t believe this. I would have chosen him. I know it! I KNOW IT!
Damn. Why’d he have to get a girlfriend?
I want a girlfriend. I’m not kidding.
So I have four left!
and God forbid
WHO THE FRAK DO I CHOOSE?
Note to self: If I settle in a portal with DVD player, must buy Battlestar Galactica 2003.
No, no, I must not choose I portal simply because of DVD players and movies. Ooh…can’t I…
I liked Leopold, though! He had a good head on his shoulders. Hm, if a girlfriend could screw up my chances of living with Paul, what good is a married man? But he is a fellow inventor! I could work it out.
WHO THE FRAK DO I CHOOSE?
Come to think of it, I didn’t like Eddie so much. After all, he did DITCH ME! Peesh. I’m wiping him off! I want a respect, dammit, must make my choice on respect.
I’m so hungry. I can’t concentrate on an empty stomach. It’s not even night time, but I NEED FOOD.
I have just had a very, very close shave with those out to get me. EVERYONE’S OUT TO GET ME! Apart from Van Helsing, but still. That’s one man to many. My stomach and nose led me to the kitchens. But alas! It was daylight! I don’t know why I did it, but I burst in on the kitchen.
Damn cooks with damn grudges. I didn’t mean to test my new inventions that one time on them!
Better that those crazy bananas had killed me!
Am I a Van Helsing magnet, hm? He burst in and, sadly, saved the day. I ran away before he could gloat.
I am hungry. Again.
I have a headache. Again.
AND I STILL DON’T KNOW WHO THE FRAK TO CHOOSE!
Ok, ok. Let me think rationally. I can’t live with Hugh Jackman because, let’s face it, it would cause too much confusion about David Wenham and for frack’s sake, he’s married. And he has that scary kid. No one wants me around. Pah.
So that leaves Leopold and damn Van Helsing.
Ack. Who do I choose?
Why did I even invent the portal tripping device?
I needed the respect. That’s what I needed. I STILL NEED IT!
Sooner or later, the damn Cardinal is going to figure out where I am. I may be the only one who uses them, but I haven’t got the blueprints. Dammit.
Time is running out.
Oh no! I hear footsteps.
Van Helsing decided to pay me a visit. I wasn’t very happy to see him at first but he brought food AND WINE! I did not foresee his little game of loosening my tongue. My nerves were too frazzled. Otherwise, I would have known! I swear!
ANYWAY, I find myself prattling away about my elimination list. It might have been alright if Van Helsing hadn’t steered the conversation to why I had such a list. Too smart for his own good! At least I know he has brains. Whew.
So there I was trying to explain the space time continuum when I suddenly realised what I was doing.
“Frak!” I exclaimed. “You are a very devious and very insufferable m-m-person!”
Van Helsing was silent for a looooong time. I was very nervous.
He was surprisingly diplomatic about it. He said, “Well you can’t stay in this portal anymore. The Cardinal thinks you’re insane.”
“You’ll let me get away?” I asked, startled.
Van Helsing merely shrugged. “I don’t think you’re stark raving mad. A little maybe, but so is the rest of the world. I’ll probably be the only one to miss you, mind. This Leopold sounds nice. Although the short hair would try my patience if I were you…”
“You need a hair cut. I’ve got some scissors.”
“Hands off the hair!”
Van Helsing can be such a coward sometimes. But then, he’s never had to clean the Cardinal’s office now, has he? I think the wine was making me shoot off into a well placed tangent. I was reminded of the real matter at hand by Van Helsing clearing his throat.
“So have you made a decision?” he asked.
I was immediately stirred into an upset rant about the ease required with such decisions. I could not stay because I would be locked up for the rest of my life. I’m too smart to die – I mean, be locked up.
At last, AT LAST, my mind landed on a decision which I was less likely to regret. I announced, “I think I have…”
This is a very pleasant portal. I can still watch my DVDs. I can still visit Paul McCune if I am ever terribly lonely. AND I MADE THE BEST DECISION IN THE WORLD!
I could never live without technology. Dammit, I sound like some kind of TV junkie. You probably want to hear what happened, my dear little diary. I shan’t keep you waiting any longer.
I must say, it didn’t take as much effort as I thought to persuade Van Helsing to come with me to this portal. Apparently, he really wanted to get away from all that monster hunting. It occurred to me that while Leopold was very nice and all, Paul’s ambiguity was very right.
The respect of a friend was right in front of my eyes.
Damn. I’ll never live that down. I probably owe Paul some money on some wager about that. I can’t really remember if we made a deal or not. I won’t give him money unless he asks then!
My decision was not on want of technology alone. As if I’d be that shallow. Peesh.
So Van Helsing and I are now happily living in Australia in Broome, hiding out so that Hugh Jackman and David Wenham will never suspect they have better looking twins. Huh!
I doubt any other version of Van Helsing could score me a date with a very attractive young woman. I guess I really shouldn’t have bothered with the portal device in hindsight. The right Van Helsing is the one I know. I would have lived out my life at the Vatican…
I can’t believe Van Helsing got a job before me. AH! I had no notion of how hard it is to get a job here! Maybe I should become a stunt double for David Wenham…let’s imagine it…
A whole television show devoted to Faramir, the bravest man in Middle Earth. Hm…I like it.
How Van Helsing got a job as the postman is beyond me. He has no sense of direction and for God’s sake, he has never lived in Australia, let alone this portal!
Ah! Van Helsing is home. I think I’ll hide this diary so he won’t find it. Maybe in a place I won’t even find it. I’ve never been happier. I don’t need to confide in a book when I have a pal like Van Helsing.
Dear God I sound sappy. Forget I ever said that.