Bored of the Phoenix
Chaper 5 - CHAOS ENSUES
Written 2003
THE DINING HALL FOR...LUNCH?
Ron: I thought we were in Potions, you know, watching Snape dance...
A THESTRAL FLIES IN
Harry: What the...? Look! Funny creature!
Luna: Oooh! I see it! I see it!
Harry: Never mind...I never saw anything.
SUDDENLY A NEW STUDENT, HARRY POTHEAD, SITS DOWN
Harry Pothead: Duuuude.
Harry Potter: Sweeeeet.
Harry Pothead: Duuuude.
Harry Potter: Sweeeeet.
Ron: Boring. *gets trampled by Luna*
Orlando Bloom: *walks past*
Queen: *goes running after him*
CHAOS ENSUES
Johnny Depp: Aha me maties!
MORE CHAOS ENSUES
HyperCaz: Hey...I thought Johnny Depp wasn’t in this fic...
Sirius Black: I’m too sexy for my shirt! *copies Orli’s previous performance*
Remus Lupin: NOOOOOOOOOO PUT IT BACK OOOOOOON!
EVERYONE REALISES THAT “HARRY SCARFACE POTTER” HAS STOLEN THE KEYBOARD
Aragorn: Make it go awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! *gets chased by...himself*
Dumbledore: Sex Ed classes in the Charms corridor! Sex Ed classes in the Charms corridor!
Quirrel: Make sweet, sweet love to me.
Lockhart: *perturbed* Why would I want to do that?
Quirrel: *gets propositioned by Hagrid*
Barty Crouch Junior: Woohoo! I see pretty colours!
Mad-Eye Moody: *kills Barty*
Barty Crouch Junior: *comes back to life and kills a passing chicken*
HyperCaz: SHUT UP ALL OF YOU! *to Scarface* Give that keyboard back RIGHT NOW.
The Ring: THE CASTLE IS ALIVE...WITH THE SOUND OF CHICKENS!
Avril: Oops, I did it again...I played with the ring...
HyperCaz: *waits until there is silence once more*
EVERYTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL
Hermione: I need to go to the library.
Ron: Why?
Hermione: They’ve set up an internet lab!
Readers Bored of Internet Chat Room Stories: MAKE THE PAIN STOP!
RON AND HERMIONE LEAVE – BUT ARE NOT TO BE FOUND IN THE LIBRARY AT ALL BUT A VACATED BROOM CLOSET
BUT BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE LEAVES...
Umbridge: *comes running in and moons everyone*
Harry Pothead: No! Did not need that!
Snape: *finds this attractive in a toad-turned-human*
THE WEASLEY TWINS COME TEARING IN
Fred: It’s aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!
George: And it ain’t dyyyyyyying!
Twins: *get chased in by Queen*
Queen: Percy is a prick! Percy is a prick!
IT BECOMES EVIDENT THAT PERCY IS CHASING ALL THREE
WHILE THIS CHAOS CONTINUES, HARRY POTTER BRAVELY MAKES HIS WAY TOWARDS THE HEAD TABLE.
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Enter...the life of the teachers.
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Umbridge: *moons everyone again*
Snape: O_O
Trelawney: I predict...that a handsome man will appear...
Hagrid: *appears carrying a stuffed Aragog teddy*
McGonagall: Hah! Hah! You’re WRONG you’re WRONG.
Flitwick: *disappears from sight, not being important to this story*
Hooch: LOOK OUT! IT’S A GIANT BROOMSTICK! THE NIMBUS 6000!
Sprout: *eats sprouts*
Binns: I’m melting! I’m melting! *goes to a special place the dead go after torturing students with things like Uric the Oddball*
Dumbledore: *adjusts pink wig*
Astronomy Professor who no one can remember the name of: *talks about horoscopes with Trelawney*
Vector: 1 + 1 is 3...
Harry Potter: Dumbledore, sir! I was wondering if I could...
Umbridge: *moons everyone again*
Quirrel: Someone please make sweet, sweet love to me?
Harry Potter: HyperCaz, they just aren’t listening.
HyperCaz: *grins. Evilly*
WEASLEY TWINS RE-ENTER WITH QUEEN
Twins, Queen: MADAME MAXIME HAS JOINT THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL CAST! SHE’S PREGNANT WITH HAGRID’S KID!
SILENCE
Hagrid: Eh?
All Professors: Eh?
Harry Potter: *sighs* How will a plot ever form?
MADAME MAXIME COMES CHARGING IN AND DEPOSITS A TONNE HEAVY BABY
G. W. Bush (resident Muggle studies [that is peace negotiations] professor): Hehe. Hehe. It looks like Texas.
Harry Pothead: *offers bong to Bush*
Bush: Trippy.
Bush, Harry Pothead: *get majorly stoned*
Hagrid: Olympic Games, why did you never tell me?
Maxime: *thinks. Hard* Well, I was offered a place on The Adventures of R.I.P. Skippy, but then Ridge asked me if I was interested in an incestuous show with huge babies in it.
Harry Potter: I think I’m going now...
NO ONE NOTICES OR CARES
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Exit the life of the teachers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry Potter: I think I’ll go find a DADA teacher to help me create a plot.
All DADA Professors: Yes?
Harry Potter: Never mind...I think I’m going to sleep it off in Sex Ed.
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EVERY FIFTH YEAR STUDENT ARRIVES IN THE CHARMS CORRIDOR FOR SEX ED
Ron: *has lipstick smeared on face*
Hermione: *sleeping in Ron’s lap*
Avril: WOOHOO! I’m UNWANTED! I’ll just go grab my MOBILE phone.
Audience, Readers, whatever you want to call them: *flinch at bad puns*
Harry: Hey, I can make people flinch too! VOLDEMORT!
Readers: *don’t care*
DUMBLEDORE ENTERS
Dumbledore: I am not qualified to teach you.
Hermione: *sticks hand up* Why not?
McGonagall: *comes in smoking a ciggie* Because, fag, he hasn’t had his prick stand up in months. *acts angsty then leaves with Dumbledore*
Orlando Bloom: *enters* Damn I’m sexy.
Oliver Wood: *from the shadows, growls*
Orlando Bloom: Today I’ll be teaching you about...uh...that thing...
Innocent Students: What thing?
Orlando Bloom: IT!
Innocent Students: What’s “it”?
Malfoy: That thing that I do with either Ginny or Hermione, depending on which you hate most. This guy isn’t qualified either.
Male Students: Shut up if you value your life.
Female Students: *crack knuckles so menacingly, it puts Crabbe (Dumb) and Goyle (Dumber) to shame*
Harry: Must...have...plot...PROFESSOR! FOLLOW THE WHITE RABBIT!
Leah from Home and Away: DAMN! I can’t get this dumb rabbit tattoo off me. NEO! Get it off NOW! I don’t care if it led you to your bitch, just GET IT OFF! YOU’RE THE ONE and you’re supposed to help. *sniff*
Orlando Bloom: Uh...*provides welcome distraction*
If you’re savvy and you know it,
drink some rum!
If you’re savvy and you know it,
drink some rum!
If you’re savvy and you know it
and you really ought to show it –
If you’re savvy and you know it,
drink some rum!
Harry: We could have had a plot but NOOOOOOO! We had to knock off all my brain cells. I don’t think anyone would have minded if it’d been a Matrix crossover!
Neo: No offence, kid, but who has the gelled hair?
HARRY POTTER CAST STARTS FIGHTING WITH THE MATRIX PARTS 1, 2 AND 3 CASTS
Ginny: *who suddenly appears* Harry, Harry, he’s our man! If he can’t do it...NEO CAN!
Orlando Bloom: *slinks off into corner sinking quietly*
If you’re Turner and you know it
spill some blood...
Oliver Wood: *holds him for ransom*
Orlando Bloom:
If you’re Lizzy and you know it
marry Will...
Oliver Wood: SHUT UP! *releases Orli*
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HyperCaz: This chapter has gone too long. Do we care?
SILENCE
HyperCaz: Guess not.
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CUT TO A SCENE WHERE THE OTHER DADA TEACHERS ARE PLAYING CARDS
Umbridge: Go fish.
Sirius: Bitch.
Kreacher: *appears, has heart attack and dies*
Moody: 666, Barty?
Barty Crouch Junior: *blank expression*
Moody: Thankyou! *takes all of Barty’s cards*
Lockhart: *sleep talking* Ron Weasley killed me...Ron Weasley killed me...
Quirrel: *steals Lockhart’s cards*
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AND TO MAKE A BIZARRE CLIFFIE...
HyperCaz: Join the Orlando Bloom Institute For Cliffhangers (more commonly known as the “We Love Orli” Fan Club). I mean...
FRANK AND ALICE LONGBOTTOM PEER AROUND A CORNER AT THE SCHOOL. SNAPE SEES THEM.
Snape: DUN DUN DUN
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If you rip off my “If you’re savvy and you know it” song YOU WILL DIE.
The end...of another chapter...