Bored of the Phoenix
Chapter 4 - She's Back!
HARRY AND RON FILE INTO DIVINATION WHICH HERMIONE DECIDES TO VISIT
Professor Trelawney: I sense that someone is about to...
RON JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW
Prof T: Ah, yes, jump out the window.
Hermione: Fraud. *turns to her ex* Harry, say sorry and I might get back with you.
AVRIL LAVIGNE ARRIVES AND TAKES A SEAT AT THE BACK OF THE CLASSROOM
Prof T: I sense that a new member from Canada will join our class ..
Ron: *sitting on the window sill suddenly* Hey baby! Sing me a song and we’ll go out!
MUSIC BEGINS, AVRIL OPENS HER MOUTH –
AND IS CHOKED BY HERMIONE PULLING ON HER TIE. THE MUSIC STOPS.
Harry: Feel the jealousy. I predict that Ron will jump out of the window again.
RON JUMPS OUT OF THE WINDOW
Prof T: I was right...*ignores Harry coughing* Let us peer into crystal balls today...
RON COMES BACK AND SITS ON AVRIL’S LAP. HERMIONE GLOWERS, THEN GIVES HARRY A BIG SMACK ON THE CHEEK. BOTH HERMIONE AND RON REEK OF SEXUAL TENSION.
Harry: Geez, they should get married.
Ron: *misinterprets* Marry me Avril!
Avril Lavigne: Oh yes!
Hermione: *in a bid to gain some ground* Marry me Harry!
Harry: *opens his mouth*
GINNY SWINGS IN THROUGH THE WINDOW AND ON BLASTS SOME ROMANTIC MUSIC IN WHICH TRELAWNEY FEELS THE NEED TO COMMIT SUICIDE AND PREDICTS IT.
Ginny: Ahem! Here we go! *waits for crudy tape to play*
I wanna ride through school on his sleek Firebolt –
GINNY IS THROWN OUT OF THE WINDOW BY HARRY
Harry: Herms, Gin, Av and I forget who, I’m single for the moment and remain so. *thinks a moment* Screw this! Yes, ‘Mione!
SUDDENLY A NEW WEIRD GIRL WITH EYES A BIT OFF KILTER APPEARS STANDING OVER TRELAWNEY’S BODY
Weird Girl: *evil laugh*
Whole Class: Luna Lovegood. Figures.
Malfoy: *who, some apparent reason is just there* Waiiiiit. Since when was this in book five, it isn’t even out yet!
Hermione: Duh. Don’t you read?
HERMIONE SHOWS OFF THE PIRATED COPY SHE FOUND ON THE INTERNET VIA HER TRUSTY SOFISTICATED LAPTOP
Harry: Uh, Hermione, I didn’t think electronic things functioned here...
A MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Avril: *picks it up* Skater girl speaking. Uh huh. No way. Hang on - *to Ron* Where am I? *back to phone* You’re making things so complicated. Life’s like this...wait, my lines are screwed up aren’t they? I don’t know where I am...but I’m not with you. Okay? I said see ya later boy. *to Ron* Where were we?
SUDDENLY LEE JORDAN COMES IN, SCREAMING HIS LUNGS OUT
Lee Jordan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Lee Jordan: R-Remember when-when Arnie said “She’ll be back”? She’s back!!!
CHAOS ERUPTS, THEN CLASS FREEZES, BAFFLED
Harry: Run that by me again – who’s back?
Lee Jordan: *whispers* The Empire’s strike.
IN THROUGH THE DOOR COMES...PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE IN A RED CAT SUIT LAST SEEN IN HOLLYWOOD ON AN ATTRACTIVE T-X TERMINATOR
Umbridge: *evil laughter*
Luna Lovegood: *evil laughter*
Ginny: *evil laughter, then realises she’s on the ceiling then begins to scream*
Cho: Gimme a wet kiss Harry!
Umbridge: YOU MUST NOT TELL LIES! Oh and, it’s all ya fault ******* dies.
Ron: Aw what! You won’t tell us who dies! WHO WHO WHO DIES IN THE END?
Hermione: You should read message boards more often. Then I would marry you.
HAGRID FLIES THROUGH THE WINDOW
Lee Jordan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Scarface: Hey, HyperCaz, enough with Divination. We want Potions.
HyperCaz: Back off! Stay in your own story! Keep hacking into Uncle Vernon’s Suisse bank accounts, okay?
FOR NO APPARENT REASON THE ENTIRE CLASS IS SUDDENLY IN THE DUNGEONS
Ron: This is sooooo boring. I’m bored. Terribly bored.
Neville: *sounding like Malfoy* You said the naughty word again...
Ron: I DON’T GIVE A... *tries again* I DON’T GIVE A *seems to be struggling* DAMN I HATE KIDS BOOKS! THEY ARE SO BORING!
Luna Lovegood: *evil laughter* ***************************************
THE CLASS GASP AT HER WONDERFUL GRASP OF...COLOURFUL...LANGUAGE
Luna Lovegood: Come with me if you want to live.
Ron: *looks at mencingly approaching Gryffindors* Aw, screw it! All yours, honey.
Avril: I WANT A DIVORCE!
SUDDENLY SNAPE SWEEPS INTO THE DUNGEON
Snape: You’re all too early. This calls for detentions and five hundred house points deducted a piece.
Snape: You can’t think of anything fucking different can you, Potter?
EVERYONE LOOKS AT SNAPE
Ron: Oh sure, HE can say the naughty words and I get done for saying BORED and BORING *gets lynched by mob of aliens in silver underwear*
Umbridge: I find that attractive in a man.
Snape: Shall we dance?
Seamus: *turns green* I’m scared for life. Snape, being nice? *hyperventilates, dies, then is brought back to life by the simple rule:*
Ron: THIS IS A GODDAMN KIDS BOOK!
SUDDENLY THE POTIONS CLASSROOM IS TURNED INTO A DISCOTHEQUE, SNAPE GROWS AN AFRO AND DOES SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH UMBRIDGE
Harry: *sadly* Whatever happened to my Snapsie pooh?
HyperCaz: WHAT!!!!! That wasn’t in the script!
THE END...OF ANOTHER CHAPTER!