Bored of the Phoenix
Chapter 3 - DADA or DOA
THE GREAT HALL IS SUDDENLY QUIET AND EVERYONE IS EATING
Ron: *whispers* Harry!
Ron: *whispers* I’m bored.
Harry: Why you whispering?
Ron: Why you talking normally?
Harry: *looks dumbfounded* That must mean I’m more important than you in the book.
Ron: How long did it take you to figure that out? Meh, I’m only whispering because no one else is speaking.
HARRY LOOKS AROUND AT THE SOMEWHAT SILENT GREAT HALL
Harry: Figures. They don’t have anything to say in the book.
Hermione: *from beside him* Have you been talking to Malfoy?
HARRY TRIES TO LOOK INNOCENT AND IS SAVED BY OWL POST. A THOUSAND OWLS FLY IN, FLY OUT WITHOUT EVEN DEPOSITING ANYTHING
Hermione: Guess what? We’ve got DADA first!
Ron: *stares at her*
Harry: Ron, are you okay?
Ron: *gasping like it’s the end of the universe* What...does...D...A...D...A...stand...for...?
Hermione: Am I the only one who has bothered to read FanFiction, A History?
Ron, Harry: HELL YEAH!
Hermione: *buttering a book, then trying to read a piece of toast – everyone considers this normal* It stands for Defence Against the Dark Arts.
HERMIONE PROCEEDS TO EAT HER BOOK
Harry: *looking at timetable* Ooh, guess what? We only have about four lessons this week, as usual. We never get enough...I suppose mentioning all the subjects in Book One means that it wasn’t important, huh?
Ron: I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about. I’m bored, as well.
Harry: Hey, ‘Mione, we’ve got thirty seconds before class. Let’s make out in Dumbledore’s office.
Hermione: Sounds good to me! *eats another book*
Ginny: *looking very pleased with herself* Guess what? Harry asked me to make out with him shortly! Do you think I should go?
Ron: *thinks for a moment* Yeah, alright.
SUDDENLY A MUGGLE APPEARS
Muggle (who shall be known as Avril! Hehe): Excuse me, have you seen Harry Potter, the ugly boy with the cool scar? I’m supposed to make out with him in ten seconds.
Ron: Dumbledore’s office.
DRACO COMES OVER, WEARING PINK ROBES
Malfoy: Have you seen Hermione?
Ron: Dumbledore’s office.
AFTER DRACO LEAVES, RON GRINS VERY EVILLY
Ron: It’s gonna be an old time in the hot town tonight.
Seamus: Isn’t the other way around?
Ron: Eh? I’m bored, is that what you said?
CUT TO DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE WHERE HARRY, HERMIONE, GINNY, AVRIL AND MALFOY ARE ALL LOOKING V. CONFUSED
Harry: Why are you all up here?
Fawkes: *whispers* I woulda been smarter Harry.
Harry: Meh, I was bored. Three timing seemed such a good idea. Did you see the advert for it in the Daily Prophet? Hey isn’t it cool how that paper always has the article we need?
Hermione, Ginny, Avril: WHAT???
Malfoy: *laughs evilly*
Harry: And why are YOU up here, Malfoy? I pretty sure I wasn’t going out with you.
Malfoy: I thought FanFiction was such a reliable source for romance advice between you and me...
Harry: What you have failed to notice is that SLASH means GAY ROMANCE!
Malfoy: *looks horrified, then faints*
SUDDENLY FOR NO REASON SNAPE APPEARS AND GIVES THEM ALL DETENTION, FAILING TO NOTICE THAT AVRIL LAVIGNE IS NOT A HOGWARTS STUDENT. HE ALSO TAKES 200 POITNS AWAY FROM SLYTHERIN BECAUSE HE IS FEELING CHARITABLE
Harry: Wait a tic, CHARATIBLE?
HyperCaz: It’s my fic. I can do whatever I want.
Harry: Yeah alright. Can you give me another girlfriend? I think I just ran out of them.
HyperCaz: Don’t you realise you’re not supposed to use them up all at once?
hids: Oh oh! I want Harry, no Draco, noooooo! They’re all so cute!
HyperCaz: Back off, this is my story!
CUT TO PEEVES SHAGGING THE FAT FRIAR
CUT BACK TO HYPERCAZ AND HIDS
hids: I’m in your story! I feel the love!
HyperCaz: Oh no, not this again...Of course you do...
Harry: Can we get back to DADA now?
HyperCaz: What? Oh yeah...
CUT TO DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS CLASSROOM WHERE ALL THE GRYFFINDORS (AND SOME HUFFLEPUFFS AND RAVENCLAWS AND SLYTHERINS WHO FEEL THEY ABOSOLUTELY HAVE TO ATTEND A CLASS WHICH ISN’T THEIRS. HARRY, RON AND HERMIONE ARE SITTING DOWN THE FRONT
Hermione: Harry, I’m ashamed at you. I thought our relationship would last.
Harry: Nah, Ron and you have so much sexual tension you’re better off with each other.
BOTH HERMIONE AND RON GLOW
Ron: Really? Aw, that’s special. I’m bored...hey, I heard we’re getting some cool guy for this class. I hope he comes – he’s ten seconds late.
Harry, Hermione: Oh, wow, we made it to class on time.
SUDDENLY DUMBLEDORE APPEARS – HALF THE CLASS COWER UNDER THE HIDEOUS LOOK OF HIS MAKE OVER WHICH CAME FROM A SALOON IN GREASE
Dumbledore: I had some problems choosing a teacher for this class. No, no, don’t panic. I thought of teaching you, but as Minerva was kind enough to remind me last night...*coughs* I’m getting old and haven’t taught for half a century, almost. Oh wait, did I actually ever teach?
Seamus: *bangs his head repeatedly on the desk*
Neville: *begins studying for Potions*
Harry: Hey Professor! Voldemort told me what you taught! Sex ed!
THE WHOLE CLASS HAS A FLINCHING MARATHON
Ron: What’s sex ed?
Harry: *aside to Ron* Trust me, you’re better off not knowing.
Dumbledore: I only teach it in the seventh year.
Hermione: But...we may be deprived of serious information!
FROM OUTSIDE WE HEAR
Voice: Did someone say Sirius?
Second Voice: That is sooo lame.
Third Voice: Who are you?
Fourth Voice: Better off being oblivious, eh? Like me!
Dumbledore: *calls out to them* Shut up! *back to class in his calm serene way* So I asked for all your former teachers and some interested candidates to come along, share the same room, same chair at dinner and same CLASS! Seeings as no one else seems to have DADA.
Susan Bones: *looking extremely like a Columbus* Ooh, who are the other candidates?
Dumbledore: Come on in, MEN! *pauses* and woman.
THE CLASS CANNOT BELIEVE THEIRS EYES. END OF CHAPTER. NOOOOO! JUST KIDDING
Dumbledore: Allow me to introduce...
Quirrel: I need no introducing. I’m dead.
Lockhart: I have no idea who I am.
Remus: WHY AM I IN SO MANY SLASH FICS WITH SIRIUS? I mean, hi. I’m a werewolf.
Barty Crouch Junior: *says nothing, having no soul to call upon*
Mad-Eye Moody: Hell, I was never really a DADA teacher. But I was in one’s trunk – does that count?
Orlando Bloom: *singing* I’m too sexy for my shirt...too sexy for my shirt...
Mum from audience: YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOTS UNDER MY BED ANY DAY!
Orlando Bloom: *looks horrified*
GIRLS IN CLASS THROW MUM OUT OF THE WINDOW, THEN SMILE AND BEGIN TO FLICK THEIR HAIR BACK AT ORLANDO
Orlando Bloom: Damn, I’m good.
Viggo Mortensen (otherwise known as Aragorn): *comes in fighting...himself*
Dumbledore: *whispers to class* He can’t seem to stop doing that.
The Ring: I’m precious...I’m evil...
Sirius Black: HEY GUYS! I’m a convicted murderer!
CLASS JUST STARE AT HIM (HE HAS A NEW HAIR CUT)
Ron: Yeah, right. This guy looks cool.
Harry: Uh, Ron, he’s Sirius.
Ron: Oh. Yeah, he is a convicted murderer!
Girls in class (who don’t know who he is): He’s no Orlando but...DAMN.
Dumbledore: And finally!
IN COMES THE QUEEN ON A LITTLE BUGGY THING
The Queen: *in her posh way* I would like to thank all those in attendance and especially Headmaster Dumbledore. He is a very special friend of mine.
Harry: OMG. Dumbie’s two timing McGonagall with the Queen.
Hermione: Is THAT where you learnt it from?
Ron: Sign me up for classes!
RON GETS SLAPPED AROUND THE HEAD BY HERMIONE. THIS SETS OFF THE DADA TEACHERS WHO START ATTACKING EACH OTHER, SURPRISINGLY THE QUEEN HAS THE UPPER HAND
The Queen: Dumbledore is a good teacher!
The Ring: That may be, but I am the One Ring! The Evil Ring! The Precious Ring!
THE QUEEN PUTS THE RING ON
Class: *begin running out the door, led by Dumbledore*
Harry: Either that was DADA or DOA!
Hermione: Defence Against the Dark Arts or Dead On Arrival.
Ron: Right...I’m bored. Kiss me Hermione.
Hermione: It’s ‘Mione, you dolt.