Bored of the Phoenix
Chapter 2 - A Very Bad, Bad Word
Written 2003
HARRY IS SEEN SNOOZING ON HIS BED
Ron: *Whispers* Harry! I’m bored!
Harry: *snores*
Ron: Fine. *draws in a breath* BLACK! SIRIUS BLACK! TRYING TO KILL THE FAT FRIAR!
EVERYONE JUMPS TO THEIR FEET
Neville: *sobbing* What is it this time? Has he murdered your rat?
Harry: You really are behind, aren’t you?
Ron: Nah, go back to bed. I’m bored.
Seamus: Then why’d you wake us up?
Dean: Are you kidding? Since when did we go to sleep?
Ron: BECAUSE I WAS BORED!
HIS ROOMIES SUDDENLY GET VERY ANGRY
Harry: Say. That. Again.
Ron: BECAUSE I WAS F-F-F-F-****** BORED!!!
Seamus: He just couldn’t say it, could he?
Neville: *whispers like it’s a big secret* Because it’s a kid’s book!
Harry: You said a bad, bad, word.
Dean: A very bad, bad word.
Seamus: A bad word, which so happens to be a bad word.
Neville: But I thought it was edited out...
Ron: Look, I’m sure there’s a misunderstanding here.
THE OTHER BOYS ADVANCE MENACINGLY. RON DECIDES NOT TO TAKE HIS CHANCES AND RUNS ONTO THE WINDOW SILL
Ron: View from the bridge! Can’t take anymore!
Neville: Don’t do it Ron! We love you!
SEAMUS, DEAN AND HARRY LOOK AT HIM
Neville: I mean, jump!
RON JUMPS. A THUD IS HEARD AND –
Ron: Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it off me!
HARRY AND THE GANG LOOK OVER TO SEE A BUNGEE CORD HOLDING RON BARELY A CENTIMETRE OF THE GROUND (about half an inch).
Harry: He just COULDN’T die could he?
Seamus: Nup. Next time, do it properly. I’ve had loads of practice.
Harry: Sure. Let’s leave him there then.
Ron: *from below* Who said that? Come on! Who said that? Oh and...I’m bored.
THE OTHER BOYS HAVE ALREADY GONE TO BREAKFAST IN THEIR PAJAMAS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MALFOY AND HIS TWO CRONIES ARE SITTING AT THE SLYTHERIN TABLE
Draco: Do you know how I know that Granger is a mudblood?
Crabbe, Goyle: *grunt* (Obviously not)
Draco: *brandishes Chamber of Secrets* Coz it says it here.
Crabbe, Goyle: *grunt* (What an idiot)
Hermione: *from the ceiling* I heard that!
Draco: Huh? How’d you get up there...*quickly flips through the book* mudblood?
Hermione: What else? Reading your book.
Draco: That’s not fair! You use the Internet – it delivers everything to you. . .including a trip to the enchanted ceiling.
Hermione: That’s not very nice! *quickly types something into her computer* See how you take this, pureblood!
SUDDENLY THE GREAT HALL IS TURNED INTO A CLUB. DUMBLEDORE MANS THE VINYL TURNTABLE, HAGRID GRABS A GUITAR AND SNAPE SITS DOWN AT THE DRUMS. A NEWLY ARRIVED HARRY TAKES OVER THE COMPUTER FOR SOUND EDITING – RON IS SEEN OUT THE WINDOW
Hermione: *screams into the microphone* Ahem. Is this mike on?
EVERYONE IN THE HALL COMES CLOSE TO PERFORMING ADVADA KEDAVRA ON HER
Hermione: Okay! Hit it, boys!
OPENING CHORDS TO MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Hermione: HARRY! GET IT RIGHT!
OPENING CHORDS BECAME SK8ER BOI BY AVRIL LAVIGNE – WITH A TWIST...SUNG BY HERMIONE AND SOUND EDITING BY HARRY POTTER...BROUGHT TO YOU BY “GET A LIFE COZ YOU CAN’T SING” RECORDS IN WHOOP WHOOP LAND
Hermione:
He was a boy
She was a girl
Can I make it any more obvious?
He was a muggle born
She was a pure blood
What more can I say?
He wanted her
She'd never tell secretly she wanted him as well
But all of her friends
Stuck up their nose
That had a problem with his muggle clothes.
SNAPE BANGS A BIT...CUE IN HARRY WITH EDITING
He was a muggle boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough for her
She had a pretty face
But she was a pure blood
She needed to learn about her heart.
THE WINDOWS ALL BREAK, RON’S CORD SNAPS AND HE SOMEHOW LANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HUFFLEPUFF TABLE, BEGINNING A BREAK DANCE
5 years from now
She sits alone
On the Express she's all alone.
She walks down the train
Guess who she sees
Muggle boy popular with Quidditch
She tells all her friends
They already know
And they've all got
Tickets to see him play
She tags along
Cheers with the crowd
Looks up at the man that she turned down
MORE BANGING OF DRUMS – THE PENSIEVE IN DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE FALLS AND BREAKS. MORE PEOPLE JOIN RON BUT ARE DOING A MORE APPROPRIATE DANCE
He was a muggle boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough for her
Now he's a Quidditch star
Cruisin' on his Nimbus
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?
He was a muggle boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough for her
Now he's a Quidditch star
Cruisin' on his Nimbus
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?
SOUND OF A DUCK QUAKING, THE OWLS LOSE THEIR HEARING. SEAMUS AND DEAN ARE DOING THE ROBOT DANCE
Sorry girl but you missed out
Well tough luck that boy's mine now
We are more than just good friends
This is how the story ends
Too bad that you couldn't see,
See the man that boy could be
There is more than meets the eye
I see the soul that is inside
CUT WITH THE SOUND EDITING
He's just a boy
And I'm just a girl
Can I make it any more obvious?
We are in love
Haven't you heard
How we rock each other's world?
CUE IN HARRY AGAIN – THIS TIME COLIN CREEVY’S CAMERA MANAGES TO MELT DOWN, MOUNTED ON ONE OF THE SPEAKERS
I'm with the muggle boy
I said see you later boy
I'll be waiting after you play
I'll be at the changing rooms
Speaking with you again
About a witch you used to know
I'm with the muggle boy
I said see you later boy
I'll be waiting after you play
I'll be at the changing rooms
Speaking with you again
About a witch you used to know.
HARRY MAKES THE SOUND OF A HELICOPTER TOWARDS THE END – HERMIONE SMASHES HEAD LONG INTO THE WALL
Harry: *sending back the equipment by email* Whew, thanks for the loan, Avril.
Avril Lavigne: *over MSN* No worries...anything for my fav fan and a beta copy of Order of the Phoenix.
Harry: *thinking to himself* At least no one knows I’m three timing them.
Hermione: Ah, the wonders of email and a famous boyfriend.
Draco: *gawks*
Crabbe, Goyle: *roll their eyes*
Ginny: *who just got up from under a table* Hm, her boyfriend is famous as well.
DUMBLEDORE WITH HIS RIDICULOUS MAKE OVER FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE
Hagrid: Nothing to worry about...he’s not dead...and this is a kid’s movie.
Dumbledore: *standing up* Class time!