Bored of the Phoenix
Chapter 1 - I'm Bored
Just what I think would happen in the fifth book if I wrote it...
HARRY POTTER AND THE BORED OF THE PHOENIX
ON THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS
Ron: Harry I’m bored.
Harry: Uh huh.
Ron: HARRY! I’m bored!
Harry: *looks over at Ron for the first time* What do you want me to do about it?
Ron: Can you ask You-Know-Who to attack, please? I’m soooooo bored.
Harry: Be careful what you wish for, Ron.
Hermione: *absently nods while reading books*
SUDDENLY A FLASH OF LIGHT SENDS EVERYTHING INTO TURMOIL. THE HOGWART’S EXPRESS BLOWS UP, BUT NOT BEFORE DEPOSITING EVERYONE FIRST
VOLDEMORT COMES OUT OF BILLOWING SMOKE
Voldie: *giggles, then realises where he is. Laughs evilly instead*
Ron: This is boring.
Harry: *Brings out wand* Prepare to die, Voldemort!
Voldemort: *flinches* Alas, you say that name!
TRAIN DRIVER COMES FROM BEHIND WITH WAND, READY TO BLAST VOLDIE
Voldie: Uh oh. *Apparates to other side of driver* Not good! *finally apparates away to his hideout*
Harry: *hits him on the head, knocking him out*
Hermione: Oh thank god! Now we are left in privacy!
Harry: Wait till we get on the train ‘Mione. I don’t feel like revealing to Ginny that I’m two timing her.
Harry: Oops. I mean, I don’t want Ginny getting jealous. . .you know how she gets.
Hermione: *looks at him suspiciously*
Harry: Relax, ‘Mione!
TRAIN DRIVER MAGICALLY CREATES A NEW TRAIN, THIS ONE LOOKING ODDLY LIKE THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE
Seamus: I am NOT getting on that.
Driver: Yes you are.
Seamus: No I’m not!
Harry: I’m bored. Come on, let’s dump Ron in the luggage section then get a compartment to ourselves.
AT HOGSMEADE STATION
HAGRID IS COLLECTING ALL THE FIRST YEARS AND SEEMS TO HAVE SHRUNK A FOOT
Harry: Uh, Hagrid, you look shorter.
Hagrid: You wanna get good grades this year? SHUT UP.
Hermione: I don’t believe he just did that! Aren’t you going to do something Harry?
Harry: *shrugs* Dunno, should I?
HERMIONE ATEMPTS TO HIT HAGRID WITH A CURSE BUT HE DODGES. HAGRID STARTS LAUGHING AND WALKS AWAY.
Hermione: Stupid wand! Let’s talk to Dumbledore about this!
Harry: I’m BORED of crying to him. He always sides with me anyway.
Hermione: That’s the point.
RON COMES LURGING OUT OF THE LUGGAGE SECTION WITH PIG HANGING OFF HIS EAR
Ron: Harry, I’m bored.
Harry: Annoy Hermione.
Ron: Hermione, I’m...
Hermione: DON’T YOU DARE SAY IT!
IN THE GREAT HALL
DUMBLEDORE IS WEARING A HOOD
Neville: Harry! I’ve forgotten the password!
Harry: You idiot. Term hasn’t started – DUH. Hey, do you see Hermione anywhere?
Neville: *doesn’t seem to hear insult* I think she went to the bathroom because she was bored.
Harry: *looks confused* But I thought no one ever went to the bathroom in this world? Or did their homework for that matter...Oooh, wait! That means I can make out with Ginny!
OVER AT THE SLYTHERIN TABLE
DRACO IS COUNTING OFF THE NEW KIDS
Draco: Mudblood, mudblood, pureblood, mudblood, squib, pureblood, mudblood...
Crabbe: Uh, Draco, how do you know what they are?
Draco: *lowers his voice* I looked in the book.
Goyle: But I thought the book wasn’t out yet...
Draco: Who cares? I’M BORED AND HUNGRY. Why can’t Dumbledore stand up yet?
Crabbe: Did you also read that the Sorting comes first?
THE SORTING HAT IS PLACED UPON A LUXURIOUS COUCH. THE STUDENTS WAIT FOR IT TO SING
Sorting Hat: *singing like opera singer* I’m bored, oh so bored. I don’t wanna do a song. Oh yeah, I read minds. Oh yeah, then we eat. Then we eat, then we eat. . .I’m bored and hungry, can’t you tell, can’t you tell? I can’t eat, can’t make songs anymore, someone shoot me.
HERMIONE RETURNS TO GREAT HALL AND HARRY QUICKLY SEPARATES HIMSELF FROM GINNY
Hermione: What did I miss?
Ron: *still gaping at the hat* It’s bored too.
Hermione: *turns to Harry* What did I miss? And – why are your robes messy?
Harry: *hurridly tidies himself* You didn’t miss much. Oh look! No one’s the DADA teacher this year.
HERMIONE DOESN’T SEEM TO REALISE HE’S CHANGING THE SUBJECT UNDER SUSPICION
Hermione: Oooh! Maybe I can teach the classes!
Ron: In. Your. Dreams. Hey, Harry, you’ve got lots of money. Get me the Sorting Hat for Christmas, seeings as you’re the only one with a Birthday around here.
Harry: Hehe, more presents for me.
RANDOM PERSON WHO WILL BECOME KNOWN LATER TO HARRY AS NUISANCE PUTS ON THE SORTING HAT
Random Nuisance: NOOOO!!! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF! IT’S GOING TO PUT ME IN SLYTHERIN!!!
Harry: Stupid idiot. Why can’t he stay silent like I did?
Hermione: What was that, Harry?
Harry: Nothing, nothing...
Hermione: But you said something.
Harry: DID NOT!
AFTER THE SORTING, THE HAT TRIES TO EAT AND EVERYONE STUFFS THEMSELVES AND END UP LOOKING REALLY FAT
Ron: No problem. Nothing a few stairs can’t get rid of.
Neville: More stairs on Halloween, I guess.
DUMBLEDORE STANDS UP
Dumbledore: Now that we are stuffed to the brim, I might point out where the toilets are so you mightn’t spoil my lovely floors! They are on every floor, go find them. Ahem, you might be wondering why I’m wearing this hood. I went to the Beauty School Drop Out Saloon and got a make over!
TAKES OFF THE HOOD TO REVEAL HE’S SHAVED OFF HIS BEARD AND DYED HIS HAIR PURPLE, ALSO GETTING A FACE LIFT TO LOOK YOUNGER
Students: What the heck?
Neville: *turns green and sprints for the nearest bathroom*
Dumbledore: *beams* Brilliant! Everyone loves it! Ahem, a few less important notices. Voldemort’s on the loose, killing people. Kinda cool, isn’t it? Oh, and the Forbidden Forest is free for anyone to visit if they’re name is Harry Potter. There is a problem with smuggling CD players (a muggle thing I imitate a lot in the shower), but not for long, because Mr. Filch smells like ****!
Ron: He just COULDN’T say, could he?
Harry: It’s a kids book, Ron.
Dumbledore: ...will be dancing down the corridors and snatching them up to play his flattened cat on. That seems to be it...oh, Gryffindor’s going to win the House Cup...yep...To bed, to bed, to bed...
Ron: He just missed the whole of Act Five, Scene One.
Ron: I thought YOU read the books.
Harry: I don’t think she reads them. I saw her checking it up on the Internet.
Ron: Oooh, cool. Internet.
Hermione: *whispers* You’re not meant to know about the Internet yet.
THEY MAKE THEIR WAY UP TO GRYFFINDOR TOWER
Neville: Harry, I’ve forgotten the password – oh, and I’m BORED.
Harry: We haven’t got the password yet, idiot.
Fat Lady: And the password is. . .Thin Lady!
Seamus: OMG, she DID lose weight!
Hermione: Does anyone know who the Head Boy and Girl is?
Fat “Thin” Lady: Mrs Norris and the Fat Friar.
Ron: Nothing unusual there. I’m bored. Let’s sleep.